Chapter 95: 第 95 章

In psychology there is a neural phenomenon called the Proust effect: when a particular scent reaches the nose, the memories bound to it are summoned from the brain — the forgotten ones, and the ones that were never truly lost.

For Xu Ze, among every memory tied to Lu Heyang, two scents cut deepest — Lu Heyang's Pheromone, and the fragrance of Plum Blossom.

The flower bed outside the old apartment block was never tended by anyone, yet every summer white Plum Blossoms would push up through it; their scent was drawn into the little room by the stirring curtain, then scattered thin again by the electric fan. The summer Xu Ze spent with Lu Heyang was threaded through with that fragrance, and even long after they parted, Xu Ze would still catch it in his dreams.

So Xu Ze feels he is forever on the verge of mistaking dream for waking — as, for instance, right now.

The evening wind, freighted with Pheromone and blossom, swept past and carried that long-absent 'Xu Ze' farther off, until it was only one more rustle among the leaves. The ringing in his ears slowly ebbed, and Xu Ze felt no surprise, no glad anticipation — nothing was settled yet, and waking from a soap-bubble illusion is always a little losing, a little painful.

Xu Ze turned around. The mottled, swaying shadows of the tree fell across the Alpha in patches of light and dark, so that even his face was hard to make out. Xu Ze wanted to step closer, to see him more clearly, but the wind suddenly rose and bent the whole tree to one side, exposing the Alpha's face — and his eyes — from beneath the shadow.

His eyes — the instant their gazes met, Xu Ze was certain. Those eyes, and the look inside them, the same as eight years ago. Xu Ze had never imagined he might see that look again.

'I saw the photo of the trophy you sent me.' Lu Heyang walked slowly up to Xu Ze and laid the bouquet of Plum Blossoms into his arms. 'Xu Ze — congratulations.'

His throat was closed; the word 'thank you' would not come out. Xu Ze fixed his gaze on Lu Heyang for a few seconds, then suddenly raised his arms and held him hard, pressing his face tight against the side of Lu Heyang's neck.

Lu Heyang slid his arms around Xu Ze's waist beneath the white coat the wind had blown open; their heartbeats struck against each other, and in his ear Xu Ze's quick, uneven breathing sounded almost like sobbing. Lu Heyang asked, 'Are you crying?'

He felt Xu Ze shake his head, and the movement brushed Xu Ze's hair against his ear.

'I made you wait a very long time,' Lu Heyang said.

He knew, in truth, that 'wait' was not the right word for it. Xu Ze was like a kite with no one holding the string — tossed and unsteady high in the air, but spending every last effort to stay where he was. Not waiting for someone to take up the line, only hoping to catch one more glimpse of a certain person.

This time Xu Ze did not say 'it's okay'. His whole body was shaking badly, as though even his bones were rattling. After a long while the wind in his ears grew smaller, and his mind began, very slowly, to surface from the great shock of it. In a hoarse voice he said, 'Lu Heyang.'

It struck him, the moment the name left his mouth, how strange it sounded — after nearly twenty years of knowing each other, he had never once called Lu Heyang by name.

'Mm,' Lu Heyang said, and stroked Xu Ze's back in a slow, soothing line.

That small answer was enough to steady him. Xu Ze let the embrace run on for several more minutes before he straightened up, and stood looking unblinkingly into Lu Heyang's face.

'What a dazed expression, Dr. Xu,' Lu Heyang observed, a faint smile at the bottom of his eyes. 'Go on back in first — you're only wearing a shirt, you'll be cold.'

'I'm also wearing a white coat,' Xu Ze said, plainly still empty-headed, earnestly explaining something perfectly obvious. 'I can't go back in. If I go back in, I'll have to go to the dinner.'

'You're not going?' Lu Heyang asked.

Xu Ze's reason had already dropped to zero. 'Not going,' he said.

'You should,' Lu Heyang reminded him. 'You're the guest of honor.'

'And you?' Xu Ze only cared about that.

'I'll wait for you.' Lu Heyang cupped his hand around the half of Xu Ze's face the wind had numbed. 'Call me when it's over.'

Xu Ze nodded, but had no intention at all of going back. He could hardly drag his gaze away from Lu Heyang's face, and kept on looking at him. Lu Heyang took off Xu Ze's glasses and held them over his eyes, telling him, 'You're off to the war zone soon — remember not to drink.'

'Mm,' Xu Ze said, and blinked; his lashes swept across Lu Heyang's palm.

Lu Heyang stood by the side door and watched Xu Ze carry the Plum Blossoms down the corridor toward the backstage. Every few steps Xu Ze turned back to make sure Lu Heyang was still there; at the far end he looked over his shoulder one last time. He did not wave goodbye to Lu Heyang, because they would see each other again very soon.

From the dim night and the cool evening wind he stepped back into the noisy, brightly lit hall, where his colleagues had been searching for him half out of their minds, certain he had slipped off to the front without a word.

'Xu Ze, are you pulling a disappearance act?' a colleague asked. 'Who sent the Plum Blossoms? They smell amazing.'

Xu Ze had just taken off his white coat and was pulling on a hoodie; seeing a colleague reach out to pinch a flower, he said at once, 'Don't touch them.'

'So fierce — what got into you all of a sudden? I'm scared.'

'A friend I haven't seen in a long time sent them.' Xu Ze hurriedly zipped up his jacket, stuffed the white coat into his bag, and walked over to pick up the flowers with care. They were important evidence connected to Lu Heyang, and evidence could not be left for just anyone to handle.

It ought to have been a proper celebration, but ten minutes after sitting down Xu Ze vanished from the table. In the elevator he sent a message to Huang Liling, apologizing to him and to the rest of his colleagues, the excuse being that he had to leave for the war zone in the small hours and had come back to the apartment early to pack and prepare.

Huang Liling: You're only doing this to spite me.

Without waiting for Xu Ze's reply, a dozen seconds later Huang Liling sent another message: Stay safe, take care of yourself, come home safe.

Xu Ze typed two words: I will.

Outside the main gate, Xu Ze called Lu Heyang. The line was picked up almost at once, and at the same moment Xu Ze heard a short blast of a horn, and Lu Heyang's voice at the other end of the Mobile Phone saying, 'I'm at the door.'

Lifting his eyes, Xu Ze saw the military vehicle in a single glance; he even forgot to hang up the call as he stepped down from the curb.

Over the ten-or-so-minute drive, Xu Ze's head was a mess, and at the same time completely empty — he seemed to be thinking about a great many things, but in fact had reached no conclusion about any of them. The bunch of white Plum Blossoms lay quietly in the crook of his arm the whole time; he had even held on to them through the entire dinner, refusing to let go, and he supposed his colleagues must have decided he had lost his mind.

Lu Heyang said nothing either, and drove at an even pace.

Outside the dormitory door, Xu Ze concentrated very hard and finally remembered the door-lock code. Lu Heyang watched him punch in the numbers — the same code as the old graduate dormitory at the Military Medical University; if he'd known, he could have entered it himself and spared Xu Ze the effort.

Once inside, Xu Ze set the Plum Blossoms carefully on the coffee table, then looked back at Lu Heyang's eyes. The living-room light was too bright; after a moment Xu Ze shifted his gaze away, until Lu Heyang asked him, 'Have you packed?'

'I don't think so.' Xu Ze didn't know what to do with his hands. 'I'll pack now,' he said.

He went to the bedroom, pulled open the suitcase, and laid in a few simple items of clothing. A short-sleeved shirt from the wrong season came out with them; Xu Ze put it back in the wardrobe, but after two more rummages the shirt came out again, and Xu Ze put it back once more.

When the shirt emerged for the fourth time, Lu Heyang, standing beside him, caught Xu Ze by the arm. 'Calm down a little before you keep sorting.'

He could not calm down. If anything, Xu Ze was at that moment more lost than he had ever been; even his breathing had gone ragged. Lu Heyang cupped the side of Xu Ze's neck, rubbed his thumb along Xu Ze's jaw, and asked, 'Did I scare you?'

'No,' Xu Ze said, his voice trembling. 'I thought it was a dream.'

Lu Heyang looked at him, and at last drew him into his arms. 'I'm sorry,' he said.

'I should have thought it through more carefully back then.'

At eighteen he had believed that, so long as he was capable of bearing the consequences, he did not need to weigh whether his choices were right — that succeeding would be enough. But it turned out not to be so. And so, as the memories came back to him little by little, Lu Heyang felt no joy, no relief, no satisfaction; the first emotion to surface was regret, and he was not a man who often regretted anything.

Lu Heyang thought of the brief, strange look that had passed between them through the railing on the day he was discharged eight years ago, and of every expression, every glance in which Xu Ze had seemed about to speak and then held back, since they met again. This Alpha, who was like a dandelion — rootless, drifting, silent, asking nothing in return — would have been content to receive nothing at all, and would not have complained in the slightest.

Xu Ze did not need Lu Heyang's apology, and Lu Heyang ought not to have been the one apologizing. Xu Ze shook his head. 'Everyone has to be taken into account. It was always going to be hard.'

'But it shouldn't have been you.' Lu Heyang said, 'I had imagined I might be the one hurt, and thought that once I'd woken up I could comfort you — or that even if the family matter wasn't resolved and we broke up, I'd still come find you afterward. I just didn't expect the amnesia.'

Xu Ze, though, said, 'It's okay. It's been made up for now.'

'And before that.' Lu Heyang drew back a little so they were standing face to face, and went on, 'Asking you why you said we were an unimportant relationship, asking you why you wanted me to forget the Susceptibility Period — those questions, that rudeness, I apologize to you for them.'

Before hearing the recording Jiang Wen had given him, he had thought of it all too simply — as nothing more than ordinary family opposition, an ordinary parting and farewell. But the closer he came to the truth, the more he realized that the things he had said to Xu Ze, the things he had done, might have been another kind of harm, even though Xu Ze had never minded.

What had happened tonight was already beyond what he could absorb; Xu Ze's reactions could not keep up, and he only murmured, instinctively, 'Stop apologizing.'

Lu Heyang smiled a little. 'All right. No more apologies for now.'

There was very little to take — a few changes of clothes, a few toiletries; the suitcase was only half full, and was set by the door. Xu Ze began to fret over the Plum Blossoms: he could not bear to leave them in the apartment to wilt, but bringing them to the war zone did not seem right either.

'I'll send you flowers again in the future — don't feel it's a waste.' Lu Heyang saw straight through what Xu Ze was thinking, drew a single Plum Blossom stem from the bouquet, and said, 'If you can't bear to part with them, take one stem with you.'

Xu Ze at once wrapped that single stem in newspaper and tucked it into his bag.

He rummaged again in the bag, his hand hovering without quite drawing anything out. Lu Heyang, sitting on the sofa, watched the motion and asked, 'What's the matter?'

After a moment's hesitation, Xu Ze took out a small black velvet box.

Lu Heyang glanced at it, drew Xu Ze's hand over, and pulled him to sit sideways across his lap. Xu Ze was still nervous in that position; stiffly he opened the box, and inside lay a brand-new silver-blue badge, clean and gleaming.

He could not manage the easy, natural manner Lu Heyang had shown when giving him the badge; Xu Ze only asked, with very little confidence, 'Do you want it?'

He worried it might be too soon — perhaps it would be better to wait until they had seen each other a few more times before giving it. But he was about to leave for the war zone, and he did not know when the next meeting would be; Xu Ze could not wait.

'You've only just received it, and you want to give it to me?' Lu Heyang tilted his head up to look at him.

'Mm.' Xu Ze nodded with certainty. 'I probably won't have any use for it until I graduate from my doctorate.'

He had actually wanted to give Lu Heyang the trophy as well, but it was too large and inconvenient for Lu Heyang to carry.

Lu Heyang took the box from Xu Ze's hands, pressed the lid shut with his forefinger, and said, 'What am I to do — I didn't bring my badge with me.'

'Wait until I come back from the war zone, and then give it to me.' Xu Ze paused. 'All right?'

Without answering, Lu Heyang took off Xu Ze's glasses, pressed on the back of his neck to bring him down a little, and kissed him.

Their lips had barely touched before Xu Ze's mind went blank; he forgot to breathe and forgot to close his eyes. Lu Heyang stopped, then, and pressed a kiss to his left cheek. 'I won't affect you any more — how are you getting to the Airport later?'

'A Military Hospital car will come for me.' Every moment they had spent together in high school had felt stolen, and now it seemed no different; the thought made Xu Ze uneasy. He leaned closer to Lu Heyang and said, in a careful voice, 'It won't affect it.'

'What won't affect what?' Lu Heyang asked him.

'...Kissing.'

The phone began to ring when Xu Ze had not yet climbed down from Lu Heyang's lap. Lu Heyang reached over to take the Mobile Phone from the coffee table for him; Xu Ze's ears were flushed red, his eyes unfocused, and he answered without even making out who was calling.

'Hello? Oh, all right.'

Those were the only three words he said. Xu Ze hung up, sat staring into space for a few seconds, and then said, 'The car will be downstairs in ten minutes.'

'I thought you hadn't heard.' Lu Heyang brushed away the trace of saliva at the corner of Xu Ze's mouth with the pad of his finger. 'Should you wash your face?'

'Mm. I need to change my clothes too.' Xu Ze stood up.

Everything was packed. Just before going out the door, Xu Ze asked, 'Are you going back to the Capital City today?'

'I have to go to the Military District — I've already arranged for a driver. I'll go back to the Capital City tomorrow morning.'

'You can wait for the driver here. It's a bit cold outside.'

'All right. I won't walk you down, then.' Lu Heyang opened the door. 'I'll turn off the lights and lock up for you when the time comes.'

Xu Ze stood out in the corridor. The scene had a dazed, familiar feel to it — as though they had been living together a long time, and this was an ordinary day on which Lu Heyang was seeing him off. And yet this was, in truth, only the first night of their real reunion.

'Stay safe.' Lu Heyang leaned against the doorframe, the bright light of the living room behind him, a smile in his eyes, and said to Xu Ze, 'We'll see each other again.'