Chapter 82: 第 82 章

Xu Ze bought a safe after all — the smallest one they had. He placed the badge inside along with a few bank cards and identification documents, set a code, and shut it tight.

These past few days Xu Ze hadn't gone to 195 Hospital but stayed in the lab at the Military Medical University, returning to his dormitory only in the small hours of the morning, washing up and then lying in bed with his assignment — researching restaurants.

Lu Heyang had said any time Xu Ze was free would do, but Xu Ze would only set his schedule by Lu Heyang's. He had no intention of dragging it out — for as long as the meal remained uneaten, it would weigh on him for that long. Lu Heyang might leave the Capital City at any moment, and Xu Ze might end up carrying the thought of a single dinner for a very long time indeed.

Xu Ze compiled the top-ranked restaurants from various food apps into a spreadsheet, listing each one's address, rating, signature dishes, and customer reviews, and pasting photos of the interiors alongside for comparison. He didn't eat out often — he was a fixture at the 195 Hospital cafeteria and the Military Medical University canteen, and whenever he gathered with teammates or colleagues it was always at one of the same handful of places, none of which struck him as particularly good, all of them tasting more or less the same.

He had only ever treated Lu Heyang to noodles before; now he could afford a better restaurant, and the chance to do so would likely come only this once. There were many reasons, but perhaps the only one that mattered was that the other person was Lu Heyang — and for no reason at all, Xu Ze would treat it seriously.

Thinking Chi Jiahán might know better, Xu Ze sent him the spreadsheet and asked: which of these places is good to eat at?

Almost immediately, Chi Jiahán replied: ?

Chi Jiahán: What is this for

Xu Ze: Treating a friend to a meal

Chi Jiahán: What friend, Lu Heyang?

Xu Ze opened the spreadsheet again and looked it over, finding that from title to contents the name 'Lu Heyang' appeared nowhere, and he couldn't fathom how Chi Jiahán had cracked it in a single second.

While he was still turning the question over, Chi Jiahán called him on voice.

'I heard Senior Lu has been to your department two or three times,' Chi Jiahán said. 'Two or three times — you two haven't gotten together already, have you?'

Dr. Chi's word choice was a little aggressive, but Xu Ze had no reaction to it, because there was no such thing. He only asked: 'Why did you guess who I was treating?'

'Obviously. A person like you — besides Lu Heyang, who else could possibly make you put together a whole spreadsheet just for one meal?'

'All right.' Having received his answer, Xu Ze nodded to himself on this end of the line.

'What do you mean, all right — has he remembered anything about you?'

'No.'

'Then who suggested the meal? It couldn't possibly have been you, right?'

Xu Ze was silent, so Chi Jiahán went on: 'Lu Heyang brought it up? Why would he want you to treat him — is he joking, or is he trying to seduce you?'

'……' Xu Ze considered the second hypothesis genuinely absurd, and said in a serious tone, 'Don't put it that way.'

'Xu Ze, I think Lu Heyang saw through you long ago — you can't act at all, you can't hide anything in front of him.' Chi Jiahán sighed. 'Honestly, do you think Lu Heyang liked you back in high school?'

The mobile phone slipped in his palm and dropped onto the pillow; Xu Ze slowly picked it up again and answered, 'I don't know.'

'Even if he did, that was a long time ago — he doesn't remember it now.' Chi Jiahán's tone grew suddenly serious. 'He might be curious about you, interested in you, but every time you see him, does your heart really feel all right? Even if one day he finds out what happened between you two, he'll only know — he can't possibly feel the way he felt when those things were actually happening.'

'In other words, the Lu Heyang from before isn't coming back — I'm not saying the present one is bad, but you of all people should be the one who feels the difference most. I've always believed the hard truth should be spoken first, so I'm telling you this — think it over carefully while there's still time.'

After a long silence, Xu Ze answered, 'All right. I know.'

'…… Forget it.' Chi Jiahán said softly. 'What's the use of telling you all this — you already know it all in your heart.'

Chi Jiahán couldn't understand how a person could be as foolish and stubborn as Xu Ze — like a machine, fed the single instruction to wait for Lu Heyang, and then able to say nothing at all, to wait in silence for years and years, and not to mind if the wait was never answered. That was all.

Actually, perhaps 'waiting' wasn't quite the right word — Xu Ze had never carried any expectation, never insisted on a result. Chi Jiahán wondered how a person could love another without any purpose, any thought, any wish at all.

'Don't worry about me, it's fine.' Xu Ze said to him.

Xu Ze thought about none of this. He didn't need Lu Heyang to know about the past, didn't need him to recover his memory — he had never entertained such fantasies. Lu Heyang had asked him to treat him to a meal, so Xu Ze would treat him, and he would treat every meeting as if it were the last.

This was probably the most earnest comfort Xu Ze could offer; Chi Jiahán laughed in spite of himself. 'Right, you've always been used to last meals before an execution — one more won't make a difference, will it.'

The metaphor was unkind but apt, and Xu Ze didn't know how to reply; he only said, 'Have you gone home? Get some rest early.'

'Not yet, still in the hospital parking lot, about to head back.'

'All right, drive carefully.'

'Got it.' Just before hanging up, Chi Jiahán said, 'The third one — the food's pretty good, a little pricey, but since you're treating Lu Heyang, you don't care about the price anyway.'

'All right, thank you.'

After the call ended, Xu Ze drew a circle around the third restaurant in his spreadsheet.

'Senior Lu.'

The office door was pushed open; Su Lian stood and greeted the Alpha.

'It's been a long time, Dr. Su.' Lu Heyang came in and shook Su Lian's hand across the desk.

'Have you been well?'

Lu Heyang sat down in the chair. 'Yes, I've been well.'

Su Lian looked at the young colonel before her. She had been his psychological counselor since Lu Heyang began flying combat missions — more precisely, she had been the psychological counselor for many of the pilots in that cohort at the Union Air Force Aviation University, and Lu Heyang was one of the more unusual among them: he had lost most of his memory before entering the Military Academy.

They had first met when Lu Heyang was a second-year student; after an air engagement, he had sought Su Lian out on his own initiative for psychological counseling.

'What did you see?' Su Lian asked.

'I saw a classmate I'd trained with for over two years.' Lu Heyang's brow furrowed slightly. 'The fighter he was piloting was hit about fifty meters from me, and then it went down.'

It was a textbook case of post-traumatic stress — most common in those newly exposed to war or long immersed in it — and Lu Heyang's reaction was already among the mildest.

That session did not last long; it ended in under fifteen minutes, because Lu Heyang received a mission alert midway and rose at once to head for the Airport.

They met again after the regional conflict ended, when fifteen fighters touched down at the military airfield and Lu Heyang, in combat gear and bearing the ashes of his fallen classmate, stepped back onto the soil of his homeland under the watch of government officials and the armed forces.

After that, Lu Heyang never mentioned the battlefield again; instead, he told Su Lian about a dream he had had many times.

A mobile phone ringing without pause, a blurred screen, a call that could never be answered.

'It may be a scene you experienced before you lost your memory, or some other form of projection from a part of it — but it could also simply be a dream.' So Su Lian told him.

'Perhaps.' Lu Heyang said.

He looked as though he had long since considered these possibilities, and had not expected any other answer from a psychologist.

Su Lian had come to the Capital City this time mainly to teach and give lectures at the Military Medical University; she happened to have a free morning today, so she had come to the Air Force Base.

'Last time on the phone you said you might be finding an answer — I'm curious what that means.'

'I'm curious too.' Lu Heyang laced his fingers together over his knee. 'I just have a feeling I may have met a key person.'

'Could it be the person who calls you in the dream?'

'Not certain yet.' Lu Heyang smiled a little. 'But I hope it is.'

On the fifteenth day of counting, Xu Ze decided to try reaching Lu Heyang and invite him to dinner — it happened that his evenings these past few days were not so busy.

Sending the invitation was itself a difficult thing for Xu Ze; he didn't know when Lu Heyang would look at his mobile phone, so that Xu Ze, woken by his alarm at six, was still staring blankly at the message screen at half past.

Finally, because he was about to be late, Xu Ze sent the message with his eyes closed, turned off his phone, and went out to 195 Hospital.

The morning was busy; it was nearly noon when Xu Ze returned to his office, and only after turning on his phone did he remember he had sent Lu Heyang a message — and notice that among his unread messages there was nothing from Lu Heyang.

A colleague called him to the cafeteria, so Xu Ze turned off his phone, slipped it into his pocket, and walked out of the office.

At noon, in the afternoon, in the evening — Lu Heyang did not reply. Xu Ze's initial nervousness gave way to doubt; he wondered whether Lu Heyang's request to be treated to a meal had really only been a polite joke.

But the message had already been sent, and Xu Ze could not take it back; if it was a joke, then all he had to do was wait for Lu Heyang to refuse.

Compared with waiting for Lu Heyang to accept, waiting for him to refuse somehow felt easier to Xu Ze.

Back at his apartment, after a quick wash, Xu Ze opened his computer to read papers. When he studied at night he usually put his mobile phone on silent; today he only set it to vibrate.

He sat at the computer for two hours; the phone vibrated many times, and Xu Ze checked it each time, but still no message from Lu Heyang came.

It was very late; Xu Ze shut the computer, washed his hands, and went to bed.

Before sleeping, Xu Ze opened his messages and scrolled to the one he had sent that morning — a very simple sentence: 'Hello Colonel, this is Xu Ze, regarding the meal we mentioned last time, I was wondering if you've had any time recently.'

The more he looked at it, the more stiff and clumsy the wording seemed; Xu Ze was at a loss with himself, and turned off the light.

He slept poorly, drifting through fragments of dreams, and even dreamed that the message tone sounded. Xu Ze fumbled for his phone and, half-blurred, saw that Lu Heyang had replied — something about calling him.

Impossible. So Xu Ze thought, and was dragged drowsily into the next dream.

Not long after the first light, Xu Ze woke before his alarm, his head aching a little; he lay with his eyes open for a while, then picked up his phone to check the time.

Before he could make out the time, Xu Ze first saw the notification preview on the screen — the words 'Senior Lu' stood out among all the messages as though bolded and highlighted; Xu Ze froze for a moment, unlocked the phone, and tapped into the message thread.

'If Dr. Xu wakes before 6:30, give me a call. Or a little later — around noon — I'll call you.'

After reading the message Xu Ze immediately checked the time — 6:13. He barely thought to hesitate; he sat up in bed and dialed Lu Heyang.

In the few seconds of waiting for the line to connect, Xu Ze heard his own heartbeat very clearly; the last time he had called Lu Heyang, he had been eighteen, and had called again and again, many times, and none of them had gone through.

'Hello? Dr. Xu.'

The instant he heard the other voice, Xu Ze unconsciously held his breath; after a moment he answered: "Colonel."

"Sorry — I had too much on yesterday, got back to my room very late, couldn't reply to you in time."

"It's fine." Xu Ze touched the side of his neck, only to find his palm was covered in sweat.

"I have a meeting tonight, so I probably won't be able to have dinner with you. Would tomorrow work?"

It wasn't a refusal. Xu Ze paused for a beat, then said: "That works."

Lu Heyang seemed to be smiling. He asked: "Has Dr. Xu already picked a restaurant?"

"Yes." Xu Ze nodded to himself through the phone. "A friend said that place tastes pretty good."

"Alright, then see you tomorrow. I'll contact you in the evening."

"Mm. See you tomorrow."

After hanging up, Xu Ze still felt a strong sense of unreality, so he scrolled back to read Lu Heyang's message, then checked the call log, and finally confirmed it was real.

From the moment he finished the call with Lu Heyang, time seemed to have been pressed into slow motion — when he was busy he didn't notice, but whenever he had a spare moment, the four words "having dinner together" would leap into Xu Ze's head, and every time the thought surfaced he'd freeze for a second, then check the time, and find there was still so long to go.

In the afternoon a newly admitted patient came in; after handling the admission, Xu Ze sat in his office writing up the medical record. The setting sun came through the window and fell on the back of his hand. He watched it for a while, then turned his hand over, and that pale yellow light lay pooled in his palm, warm.

His mobile phone rang. Xu Ze turned his head, and without seeing who was calling, picked up: "Hello?"

"Dr. Xu, are you getting off work?"

The palm that had been open to the sun curled in at once. Xu Ze made a small "mm."

"I'm almost at the City Center. Want me to come pick you up?"

"There'll be traffic. I'll send you the restaurant location, and take the subway over myself."

"Alright."

After ending the call, Xu Ze sent the restaurant address to Lu Heyang, then gathered his things and got up to head for the changing room. He had never been so eager to leave work — so eager, in fact, that he forgot to clock out.

"Hey, Dr. Xu!" The nurse at the front desk saw that Xu Ze had already taken off his white coat and was hurrying toward the elevator, so she called after him: "Remember to clock out!"

Xu Ze stopped in his tracks, then walked back to press his fingerprint.

"Walking that fast — is something urgent?"

"No."

"You're not rushing off to a date, are you?" The nurse smiled. "It's rare to see you leave right on the dot."

Xu Ze gave a faint smile: "No."

The evening rush-hour subway was terribly crowded. Xu Ze gripped a hanging strap with one hand and kept his eyes on the station signs — green, then red, doors opening, doors closing, crowds pouring in, crowds pouring out.

He had arrived. Xu Ze stepped out of the carriage and swiped through the faregate. On the escalator he took out his phone and saw a message Lu Heyang had sent five minutes earlier: I'm at Exit D.

Xu Ze had come out from Exit C, but it didn't matter — Exit D was right across the street. He replied: Okay, I'm almost there.

The most bustling commercial district in the heart of the Capital City — crowds flowing like woven thread, several enormous LED screens lighting up half the sky. Xu Ze looked across the street through the crowd, and at once spotted the Alpha standing by the roadside.

Lu Heyang was wearing a very ordinary, unremarkable black T-shirt, standing there tall and at ease. Perhaps because he was so tall, or perhaps because among all those unfamiliar faces Xu Ze knew that one best, he had spotted him in a single glance.

It was red. Xu Ze stood still at the crosswalk, still gazing at Lu Heyang from afar. A moment later he saw Lu Heyang's gaze shift slightly, the reflected lights in his eyes falling onto Xu Ze's face.

At the instant their eyes met, Xu Ze's whole body went stiff, as though frozen in a frame, but Lu Heyang didn't look surprised — he simply looked at Xu Ze, and smiled.

Traffic flowed between the lines of their intersecting gaze. At this moment Xu Ze confirmed that Chi Jiahán had been wrong — Lu Heyang hadn't actually changed; whether in his teens or now, he was the same. The only difference was for himself alone; he shouldn't, just because Lu Heyang didn't remember him, narrowly define him as a different person from before.

The red light was long, the final seconds counting down; Xu Ze could barely keep his footing. Yet when the green came on, he didn't react at once — it was only when someone accidentally bumped his shoulder that he finally stepped forward.

The two streams of pedestrians from either side of the road converged on the crosswalk. Lu Heyang stayed where he stood. Xu Ze dodged the people coming toward him, moved forward, finally stepped onto the sidewalk, and walked up to Lu Heyang.

Lu Heyang reached out, half-gripping Xu Ze's arm, and drew him one step closer to his side. The surroundings were still very noisy; Xu Ze felt as though his body were floating. He asked: "Have you been waiting long?"

"No." Lu Heyang let go. "So just now I really wanted to tell you not to walk so fast."

But Xu Ze couldn't recall at all what he had looked like half a minute ago. He couldn't help asking: "Did I look that rushed?"

Lu Heyang tilted his head to glance at him, a hint of a smile in his eyes, and said: "Not really."

The restaurant was a standalone storefront, not inside a mall, and felt much quieter. Xu Ze had reserved a window seat with a view of the Riverbank nightscape; he had only ordered a few signature dishes, planning to leave the rest for Lu Heyang to choose.

Lu Heyang ordered only one dish, then asked Xu Ze: "Does Dr. Xu want anything else?"

Xu Ze shook his head: "Nothing more."

"Good." Lu Heyang handed the menu back to the server.

Because it was so quiet, Xu Ze felt a little uneasy. He looked out the window — the Capital City's nightscape was actually very beautiful, but it seemed as though he had only just noticed it today.

"Did we ever eat alone like this before?" Lu Heyang asked suddenly.

Xu Ze turned back and answered: "We did."

It was just that the few times they had eaten at restaurants, it had always been with He Wei and Gu Yunchi; if it was only the two of them, it was probably only at the old house, and at that shabby, noisy noodle shop.

"What did we eat?"

"Dishes I cooked myself. And noodles."

"Dr. Xu remembers so clearly." Lu Heyang went on. "The dishes you cooked — was that at your home?"

Only at this point did Xu Ze notice something slightly off, but Lu Heyang's expression was perfectly natural, seemingly carrying no particular implication. So Xu Ze nodded: "Yes."

"Did I come to your place often back then?"

"Not... too often."

But Lu Heyang said: "So that still counts as often, doesn't it?"

"Maybe it counts." Xu Ze reminded himself internally to keep his guard up and answer carefully — though it had little effect.

"What did we usually do at your place? Besides eating."

If he said they had studied together at this point, it would be funnier than any joke. So Xu Ze answered: "Talked."

Unfortunately, the humor of this answer was only second to "studied together." Lu Heyang laughed: "Was Dr. Xu very talkative in high school?"

Xu Ze knew Lu Heyang must have realized he was lying again, but he didn't seem angry about it — he still looked fairly relaxed and cheerful.

Just then the server came pushing the food cart. Saved by it, Xu Ze said: "The food's here."

Lu Heyang cooperatively nodded: "Mm. I see."

A dinner shouldn't be this short — it was the first time Xu Ze had ever thought this. He had already eaten as slowly as he could.

When he confirmed the meal was about to end, Xu Ze looked out the window, then looked at Lu Heyang. There probably wouldn't be moments like this again, but Xu Ze still felt glad, because at last he had treated Lu Heyang to a proper meal.

"Are you done?" Lu Heyang asked him.

"Done."

"Let's go."

Xu Ze nodded and pressed the service bell to ask for the check. After paying, they walked out. Xu Ze guessed Lu Heyang's car was probably parked near the restaurant, so once they reached the door, it would be time to say goodbye.

Disappointment was a meaningless emotion, but Xu Ze couldn't prevent it from rising. Walking to the restaurant entrance, Xu Ze began to wait for Lu Heyang to say goodbye.

"Does Dr. Xu have anything else to do tonight?"

Xu Ze was startled for a moment: "No."

"Want to watch a movie together?" Lu Heyang's gaze was hard to read in the light pouring down from above. "A Drive-In Theater — about twenty-something minutes from here."

Having lived in the Capital City for over twenty years, Xu Ze hadn't even known there was such a thing as a Drive-In Theater nearby.

Though he very much wanted to answer 'yes,' Xu Ze still asked: "It won't take up the Colonel's time?"

"You're the one being invited — you don't need to worry about that for me." Lu Heyang smiled. "Tonight is my personal time. There's no question of taking up or not taking up."

Xu Ze looked at him and said: "Okay."

Lu Heyang was still driving an ordinary military off-road vehicle. Xu Ze got into the passenger seat, and as he reached to close the door he suddenly noticed a small package bag at his feet. Thinking it was trash, he bent down to pick it up.

"Did something fall?" Lu Heyang turned up the interior light to make it easier for Xu Ze to look.

"No — it seems to be..."

As Xu Ze straightened up, his words broke off mid-sentence. Lu Heyang fastened his seatbelt and looked at Xu Ze's hand.

The light made it very clear — it wasn't trash. It was an unopened condom.