Chapter 80

Xu Ze still could not think through why Lu Heyang had brought up drinking less, but he nodded anyway, saying, 'I don't drink often.' Then, slowly, he stood. 'I'll wash my hands. Please, sit for a moment.'

Lu Heyang said 'alright,' but did not move. He watched Xu Ze at the sink, pressing two pumps of soap. Dr. Xu, even drunk, had not forgotten the seven-step handwashing method — head bowed, washing with great care. The mirror caught his lowered head, eyelashes drooping, very long.

After washing his hands, Xu Ze took off his glasses, splashed water on his face, and walked out of the bathroom. Lu Heyang was already in the living room; he had set the plastic bag with the trophy — left at the entryway — on the coffee table.

'Was it an award ceremony today?' Lu Heyang asked.

'Mm.' Xu Ze nodded once. 'Our team won.'

'Congratulations.'

Xu Ze smiled, faintly — a polite, courteous smile. He went to the dining table, took a disposable cup, poured water. Lu Heyang came to his side and took the cup. 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome,' Xu Ze said. 'Thank you for bringing me home.'

The moment the words left him, Lu Heyang set down the water he had not touched, hip against the table edge, one hand braced on the surface, face unreadable, head tilted slightly, watching Xu Ze.

Xu Ze tensed at once, uncertain what he had said wrong. He had been so careful tonight.

'Is something the matter?' A reason occurred to him, and he asked, 'Should I boil a fresh pot?'

'No need. Don't trouble yourself,' Lu Heyang answered.

Nothing had been spelled out, but Xu Ze heard what Lu Heyang meant. He looked down at the paper cup Lu Heyang had set aside and answered, as he had before: 'You are my superior.'

'But Dr. Xu doesn't seem to be my subordinate.' Lu Heyang took the upturned glass beside the kettle — the one Xu Ze ordinarily used — poured half a glass of water, and pushed it toward Xu Ze. 'He Wei is also a superior officer at the Bureau, yet you never used the respectful form of address with him.'

'Are you afraid of me?' Lu Heyang looked at Xu Ze and went on, 'Or does Dr. Xu intend to take a post at the Air Force Base? In that case, using the respectful form with one's superior would be more reasonable.'

Xu Ze stepped back half a pace, without conviction, lifted the glass and drank, then answered, quietly, 'Neither.'

'Then why?'

'I won't say it again.' Xu Ze had no answer to give and could only offer that much, though he did not know how many 'next times' they still had.

Lu Heyang drank some water too and said, 'I'm not trying to force you. Just asking.'

'It's alright.'

When the words stopped, the room grew very quiet. Xu Ze drank a few more sips, ill at ease, one hand drifting, unthinking, to his tie. Lu Heyang's gaze moved from Xu Ze's fingertips to his throat, and finally to his face. 'Are you warm?' he asked.

'A little. I forgot to turn on the air conditioning.' Xu Ze rubbed the side of his neck with the back of his hand, finished the water in his glass, and went to find the remote.

The staggered squares of the partition shelf framed Xu Ze's profile, his shoulders, his wrists, his waist — each into its own picture, like a viewfinder selecting the details of a body. Xu Ze knelt on one knee by the bed to reach the remote, raised his hand to switch on the air conditioning, then stood, took off his tie, wound it around his index finger into a loop, and dropped it, carelessly, into one of the shelf's squares.

When he straightened, Xu Ze looked up through the shelf's squares and found Lu Heyang leaning against the dining table, one leg braced on the floor, a glass in his hand, watching him.

Xu Ze walked back to the living room. He had not yet caught any sign that Lu Heyang meant to leave, so he ventured, 'Would you like to sit?'

Lu Heyang paused, visibly, then seemed to catch himself, glanced at the sofa, and said, 'Alright.'

'There's fruit in the fridge. I'll wash some.'

Even as he said it, Xu Ze was already heading toward the refrigerator. Lu Heyang caught his arm. 'No need. Sit and rest for a bit.'

The pull made Xu Ze stumble a half-step. He stopped and said, 'Okay.'

The sofa was a three-seater, neither large nor small. Lu Heyang sat at one end, while Xu Ze sat down directly on the carpet. Tonight's drink seemed to be wearing off especially slowly; his head was still swimming. Xu Ze took off his glasses and set them on the coffee table.

Lu Heyang did not ask why he sat on the floor when the sofa was right there, but spoke, without preamble: 'Today, from He Wei, I heard that we were apparently more than just people who had spoken.'

As expected, Xu Ze went still, and only after several seconds answered, 'Yes.'

'Then what were we?' Lu Heyang leaned forward, elbows on his knees, looking at Xu Ze. 'Does Dr. Xu truly not remember either?'

He Wei's question could be met with a vague lie, but here, with only the two of them, Xu Ze could not say 'I don't remember' without his face changing.

'Just ordinary friends. We'd had meals together.'

'And?'

'Nothing else. It wasn't a very important relationship. Even if I don't remember it, it shouldn't affect you—' Xu Ze paused and changed the word. 'It shouldn't affect you.'

Losing those memories had not kept Lu Heyang from becoming better, which meant they had never carried much weight in themselves. Remembered or not, neither mattered that much.

Sometimes Xu Ze even wondered whether they had been meaningful to himself. These past years he had done well enough — studied well, worked well, grown properly into an adult — all the normal life he had once longed for, unaffected by Lu Heyang's amnesia.

But such doubts were always dismissed quickly. Living well or not had little to do with something like 'meaning.' The difference was that Xu Ze applied this understanding only to himself, and did not imagine whether Lu Heyang felt the same.

'Is it unimportant to you, or unimportant to me?' Lu Heyang did not seem surprised by the answer, and continued, unhurried.

The present moment was hardly suited to such a discussion, but Xu Ze also felt there might never be a more fitting time than now.

'To you,' Xu Ze said.

Lu Heyang's expression was calm. 'Did I tell you that myself, or is it your own reading?'

There was a vague sense of being led in circles, no hard evidence to be found. Xu Ze pressed his lips together, realising his present reflexes were not equal to these questions. He remembered Lu Heyang had only come for a glass of water — how had this become an interrogation?

'Hard to answer? Then let me change the question.' Lu Heyang said, generously. 'That year, when I was discharged — was the person standing outside the hospital you?'

Xu Ze turned his head, somewhat startled, because he had not expected Lu Heyang to remember. It had been their first meeting after Lu Heyang's amnesia, and, for many years, their last. Lu Heyang's stranger's gaze at the time was still vivid in Xu Ze's mind; he had thought that, as a passerby, he would be easily forgotten.

Without his glasses, Lu Heyang's outline seemed a little blurred. Xu Ze's fingers twisted together, looking at him, at a loss for an answer, while Lu Heyang, with considerable patience, kept Xu Ze company in silence.

'It was me.' After a long pause, Xu Ze answered.

'So I wasn't mistaken,' Lu Heyang said, slowly. 'You look like you haven't changed.'

Xu Ze wanted to smile, but couldn't quite manage it. In his work he often ran into old high-school classmates and felt they hadn't changed much either — because he didn't really know them, didn't understand them.

Ding dong — the doorbell rang, and someone outside called Xu Ze's name.

'Xu Ze — are you back?'

Only then remembering his mobile phone had been switched to silent at the ceremony, Xu Ze seemed to come awake, rising as he answered, 'I'm back. One moment.' He said to Lu Heyang as well, 'It's someone from our group. I'll get the door.'

'It's alright. I'll head back.' Lu Heyang stood as well.

'...Alright.'

The door opened, and the moment Xu Ze's face appeared, Qiu Cheng reached, with easy familiarity, for his ear, smiling. 'You didn't pick up when I called. No one knew if you were back, so I came to check.'

The words had barely fallen when he saw a hand extend from Xu Ze's side — five fingers long and strong — pressing the doorframe to pull it fully open. A tall Alpha stood behind Xu Ze, in a deep-navy Air Force training uniform.

'Uh — this is...'

'A... friend,' Xu Ze said.

Before going to the restaurant, Lu Heyang had already removed the shoulder patches and chest badge from his uniform, so Qiu Cheng could glean nothing further from his attire. And that face was, in truth, very young; Qiu Cheng guessed the other man was probably a freshly graduated Air Force cadet.

'Oh, hello — I'm from the same lab as Xu Ze, came to see if he was home.' Qiu Cheng stepped aside to let Lu Heyang pass and asked Xu Ze at the same time, 'Any fruit? I forgot to buy today — came to mooch off you.'

'Some.'

'Then I'll cut a plate. We'll have some together.'

When Lu Heyang had reached the corridor, Qiu Cheng slung an arm around Xu Ze's shoulder and steered him toward his room. Xu Ze turned his head, wanting to tell Lu Heyang to drive carefully, but when their eyes met, Lu Heyang, who had not spoken, suddenly asked, 'Where's the elevator?'

'There's one on either side,' Qiu Cheng answered for Xu Ze. 'Right is closer.'

But Xu Ze was uneasy, worried Lu Heyang might take a wrong turn. He slipped free of Qiu Cheng's arm and said, 'I'll see you out.'

'Fine, I'll go wash the fruit then.' Qiu Cheng glanced at Lu Heyang and could not for the life of him see why this Alpha would need someone to show him the way downstairs.

After Xu Ze closed the door, Lu Heyang turned left. Xu Ze wanted to warn him that left was the longer way, but thought better of it and said nothing.

'Leaving someone in your room — is that alright?' In the elevator, Lu Heyang pressed the ground floor and asked.

'It's fine. It's someone very familiar.'

'The kind you could enter your door code in front of?'

After a moment's thought, Xu Ze confirmed Qiu Cheng did not know his door code and answered, 'No. No one else knows my code.'

Lu Heyang said 'mm' and said nothing more.

Out in the lobby, the evening breeze was a little cool. Xu Ze stopped on the steps, intending to wait until Lu Heyang had driven off before going back in, but Lu Heyang said to him, 'Wait for me a moment.'

'Alright.' Xu Ze asked nothing.

After a while, Lu Heyang drove up beneath the steps, opened the door, and stepped out. He stood on the lower step, appearing a little shorter than Xu Ze. The warm yellow streetlamp framed Xu Ze's face — sober, and not quite sober — like an old photograph, the ends of his hair and his collar stirred gently by the wind.

'Dr. Xu once asked me what kind of person I seemed like.' Lu Heyang looked at him. 'Now I think I have an answer.'

The answer came sudden; Xu Ze's eyes widened slightly.

'A dishonest one,' Lu Heyang said.

Xu Ze's expression turned a little lost. Lu Heyang handed him a box. 'For you.'

Not yet recovered from the verdict of 'dishonest,' Xu Ze asked, almost in a breath, 'What is it?'

'A reward.' Lu Heyang's mouth curved into a smile. 'A reward, for Dr. Xu being more honest with me next time.'

Having said this, Lu Heyang did not linger. He turned and walked down the steps, waved once at Xu Ze before getting in, and closed the car door.

After the car pulled away, Xu Ze stood where he was for over a minute. He looked down at the heavy, deep-blue velvet box in his hands and opened it, slowly. Inside, a gold badge lay quiet — a pair of eagle wings encircling the League emblem, the symbol of the Union Air Force.

'Back?' Qiu Cheng had already cut a plate of fruit and set it on the coffee table. 'What's that in your hand?'

'A souvenir, maybe,' Xu Ze said.

'That Air Force guy just gave it to you? Can I see?'

Xu Ze was still in a daze. He opened the box and held it out to Qiu Cheng.

One glance, and Qiu Cheng froze. 'Did he say he was giving this to you?'

'What's wrong?' Xu Ze was bewildered.

'This is the commemorative Honor Badge for the Union Air Force's sixty-fourth anniversary. Solid gold.'

'Is it expensive?' Xu Ze began to worry.

'No — this kind of Honor Badge isn't for sale. The Military Headquarters only awards them to field-grade officers and above — the kind worn on the uniform at ceremonies or medal presentations, alongside other decorations.' Qiu Cheng picked up the badge and turned it over. 'I saw one at an elder's home once. The back should have something specially engraved...'

His voice stopped short. Qiu Cheng looked at the line engraved on the back of the badge and pulled out the key terms — 'Air Force Colonel,' 'Lu Heyang.'

He began to recall Xu Ze's Air Force friend — that young face, the cold, distant expression, the S-Class Alpha pheromone, and that name which had only ever appeared in military reports.

'He really said he was giving this to you?' Qiu Cheng asked again, incredulous.

Xu Ze hesitated two seconds and said, 'He left it at my place.'

Qiu Cheng felt it was absurd. 'But didn't you just bring it in from outside?'