Chapter 79: —

It was late at night. The temperature outside had dropped, and Lu Heyang rolled down the window for air.

The car began to move. Wind came in, stirring Xu Ze's collar, while the light and shadow of streetlamps kept passing across his face and the backs of his hands.

The interior of the military off-road vehicle was spacious, but Xu Ze still felt cramped. He took off his glasses and turned his head to look out the window — dizzy and drowsy, everything blurred.

The lights of the Capital City kept rushing past his eyes like a river, and Xu Ze, his thoughts scattered, wondered whether at the river's end he might become again that Number 17 of many years ago — the one who had put on a cap and felt certain Lu Heyang wouldn't recognize him, the one Lu Heyang had driven home for the very first time.

Or perhaps the last time, when Lu Heyang had driven him out of the city at sunset. Only Xu Ze, each time he replayed that memory, would habitually deceive himself — stopping at the second they lay together in the tent watching fireflies, refusing to go on to the parting after the birthday.

Lu Heyang had told him 'it might take a while,' had told him 'it's fine if you don't wait,' and Xu Ze had answered 'I'll wait,' had answered 'I will wait.' He had been so stubborn then, not realizing the answer had already been hiding inside Lu Heyang's words.

He would be gone a long time, many years. Don't wait. There would be no result.

That year he had watched Lu Heyang standing in place through the rearview mirror, growing farther from him, but only now did Xu Ze understand that the one who had stayed behind, all along, was himself.

'Doctor Xu.'

Pulled back to reality, Xu Ze followed the sound and looked at Lu Heyang's profile.

Lu Heyang turned to glance at him as well. Xu Ze's gaze was a little lost, not quite lucid. Lu Heyang turned back, his hand sliding up from the bottom of the steering wheel before gripping it again, and asked, 'What shampoo do you use?'

His fingertips twitched nervously, brushing the plastic bag with a small sound. Xu Ze turned his head back, named a brand, and added after a moment, 'A very cheap one.'

Because it was cheap, practical, and cost-effective, it hadn't been discontinued for many years.

After a second or two, he heard Lu Heyang say, 'It smells good.'

Xu Ze started slightly, then raised a hand to rub his left eye. He felt the sobering soup He Wei had ordered didn't seem to be working.

'How did you get the scar on your hand?' Lu Heyang asked suddenly.

Unclear when Lu Heyang had noticed, Xu Ze turned his wrist over, hiding the cigarette burn.

'High school.' He reluctantly chose the most common excuse. 'A conflict with someone.'

But Lu Heyang said, 'Doctor Xu doesn't look like that kind of person.'

Doesn't he? Xu Ze figured it was probably because He Wei hadn't mentioned to Lu Heyang that he used to box at the Underground Gym — if Lu Heyang knew, he wouldn't have said that.

Xu Ze found that he was now more afraid of Lu Heyang knowing these things than he had been in high school. They wouldn't have much overlap in the future; perhaps Lu Heyang would leave the Capital City again before long. And so Xu Ze hoped to be only Doctor Xu, someone Lu Heyang had happened upon when he returned — an ordinary, unimportant passerby one could turn away from and forget, without any bad memories of Number 17 attached.

Xu Ze thought hard for a few seconds, trying to change the subject: 'Then I—'

'What kind of person do I look like?' he asked Lu Heyang.

He felt Lu Heyang ease off the accelerator slightly, then glance at him. The light inside the car flickered on and off, and Xu Ze had no time to read Lu Heyang's eyes.

After a moment, Lu Heyang pressed the accelerator again and answered, 'I don't know.'

It was the expected answer. Perhaps even the question had been superfluous, something he shouldn't have asked. Xu Ze smiled absently, wanting to say a few more things to Lu Heyang, but suddenly even continuing to speak became something terribly difficult. In the end he only leaned back against the seat, tilted his head, and looked out the window with half-closed eyes.

The twenty-something-minute drive ended quickly at the graduate dormitory building. The car stopped, Xu Ze opened his eyes, and without wasting a second reached to unbuckle his seatbelt. He was about to say 'thank you' when he saw Lu Heyang with a slight frown, as if thinking about something, while the hand on the electronic parking brake moved back in a very habitual motion, reaching for the round storage compartment where a water bottle should have been — but it was empty, no bottle.

'There's a vending machine in the apartment lobby.' Xu Ze hesitated, then said, 'If you're not in a hurry, I'll go buy a bottle of water now.'

Lu Heyang didn't answer immediately, but looked at Xu Ze's eyes — only for the other to turn his head away at once. Xu Ze put his glasses back on with an awkward motion, then asked again, 'Do you want one?' He noticed Lu Heyang seemed to have stopped frowning.

'Not in a hurry,' Lu Heyang answered in the order of the questions. 'I don't drink mineral water.'

Xu Ze remembered that Lu Heyang hadn't had a habit of not drinking mineral water before. He froze, thinking this might be a tactful refusal — but if he wanted to refuse, Lu Heyang could have simply said he was in a hurry; there was no need to use 'I don't drink mineral water' as a reason.

'Would you like boiled water?' Xu Ze glanced at the apartment building through the car window. He lived on the fourth floor; going up and down wouldn't take long. 'I have some in my dorm. If you need it, I can bring a cup down — it'll be quick.'

The word 'bring' was too vivid — anyone who could say something like that wasn't sober yet. Lu Heyang smiled slightly and asked, 'Can you really carry it steadily?'

Xu Ze picked up the plastic bag and tied a knot in it. He didn't know why he tied it; he only felt he shouldn't answer 'yes.'

'If you don't mind, you could come up to my dorm.' Xu Ze said it slowly, seriously. 'For water.'

He thought the offer would very likely be refused, but Lu Heyang only asked after hearing it, 'Is it convenient?'

'It's convenient.' Xu Ze understood a completely different kind of 'convenient.' He nodded and said, 'There's an elevator.'

No need to climb several flights of stairs in the dark every time, like when he lived in the Old Town in high school.

'Alright,' Lu Heyang said. 'Stay sitting. I'll park the car.'

He drove to a parking space below the building, cut the engine, and they both got out. They went around a flower bed; there were a few steps in front of the lobby. Perhaps seeing Xu Ze still a little dazed, Lu Heyang gripped his upper arm — Xu Ze, who had been perfectly capable of walking properly, suddenly didn't know which leg to step with, and stood still before the steps.

'Doctor Xu, can you walk?' Seeing him not moving, Lu Heyang asked, 'Or should I carry you on my back?'

Xu Ze looked at the ground. 'I can walk.'

After the four steps, Lu Heyang let go. The shirt where he had gripped was a little wrinkled, and Xu Ze wanted to touch it — but not to smooth out the wrinkles.

From the lobby to the elevator, they had to pass through a turnstile gate that required facial recognition. Xu Ze began to worry that if Lu Heyang didn't keep close, he'd be stopped, so he said to him, 'Colonel, come a little closer.'

Lu Heyang lowered his head slightly. 'What?'

'Stay closer to me,' Xu Ze said. 'This gate closes pretty fast.'

'Alright.' Lu Heyang stood behind Xu Ze. Both their faces appeared on the display screen, and the recognition frame automatically locked onto Xu Ze's.

Through the thin shirt, Xu Ze's back and Lu Heyang's chest were very close. The lobby had the air conditioning on, but Xu Ze still felt warm. On the display screen, Lu Heyang's expression was calm and composed. Xu Ze kept his gaze steady, avoiding eye contact with him.

The gate not only closed fast, it opened fast too. Before Xu Ze could react, it had silently slid open to both sides, while Xu Ze was still looking at the screen. Lu Heyang raised a hand, gently pressed Xu Ze's lower jaw, and turned his head back to face forward. 'Doctor Xu, the gate's open.'

Xu Ze said 'Oh,' walked forward, and after passing through, turned to look back to see if Lu Heyang had followed — but a hand immediately pressed on his shoulder. Lu Heyang pushed him forward, neither lightly nor heavily, and said, 'I'm probably not as stupid as you think.'

Having no way to explain, Xu Ze could only nod and say, 'Right.'

It sounded as if he had already verified that Lu Heyang really wasn't that stupid.

Before the elevator doors opened, in the reflection on them, Xu Ze saw Lu Heyang smiling.

Xu Ze lived in 4010. The lock was a combination lock — the fingerprint function had been broken for some time, and he had never called to have it repaired. Xu Ze entered the six-digit code in front of Lu Heyang and pushed the door open.

'Do you do this when other people come?' Lu Heyang asked.

'What?' Xu Ze was bewildered.

'Don't you cover it when you enter the code?'

Xu Ze's hand was still on the door handle. Few people usually came to his dorm; he almost never encountered this situation. He had never thought to hide the code from Lu Heyang — just as in high school he had been willing, without hesitation, to give Lu Heyang the key to his home, even though Lu Heyang hadn't taken it.

'It's fine.' Xu Ze still made a token show of his security awareness. He confirmed with Lu Heyang, 'You probably didn't memorize it, right?'

'I've already memorized it. What now?' Lu Heyang answered frankly, without much consideration for face. Then he asked Xu Ze, 'Should Doctor Xu change the code?'

Xu Ze looked at the darkness revealed through the half-open door and shook his head. 'No.'

Having said that, he reached for the light switch, but because of his dizziness, couldn't find it immediately. After watching Xu Ze fumble for a few seconds, Lu Heyang raised a hand, took hold of Xu Ze's index fingertip from behind, moved it up five centimeters, and guided him to turn on the light. His chin was almost against Xu Ze's shoulder, and Xu Ze clearly heard Lu Heyang's breathing, right by his ear.

Not quite used to the sudden light, Xu Ze squinted.

The apartment was a one-bedroom, with only basic furniture and appliances, no extra clutter or decorations. A partition bookshelf separated the living room from the bedroom. The bedroom was very empty — the bed was small, placed against the wall; against the opposite wall was a desk; between the bed and the desk was a balcony with French doors, white curtains hanging in front. It was actually a somewhat strange arrangement, especially the orientation of the bed.

Lu Heyang's gaze slowly swept across the bed, the curtains, the desk. Xu Ze had already changed into slippers and said, belatedly, 'Please come in.'

'Don't I need to change my shoes?' Lu Heyang asked.

'It's fine,' Xu Ze said. 'The floor can be mopped again.'

'Or you could mop one less time,' Lu Heyang said. 'Are there any more slippers?'

'There are.' Xu Ze opened a nearby shoe cabinet and took out a pair of slippers.

He placed the slippers in front of Lu Heyang. He would only have needed to bend down, but because he was so dizzy he couldn't stand steady, afraid of falling flat on the ground, Xu Ze simply crouched down to stabilize his center of gravity.

To Lu Heyang, this looked as if Xu Ze were about to put the slippers on him personally. He called out 'Doctor Xu,' and immediately reached out to pull him up, but Xu Ze had crouched too quickly — Lu Heyang only touched his hair.

When the pads of his fingers brushed Xu Ze's hair, Lu Heyang's hand paused and didn't move away. Xu Ze's hair was very soft, smooth and cool, the kind of texture that suggested careful maintenance — hard to imagine he used the cheapest shampoo.

Hearing Lu Heyang call him, Xu Ze raised his head. Lu Heyang's fingers slid into Xu Ze's hair with the motion of his lifting his head. Xu Ze's face was positioned just below Lu Heyang's lower abdomen; his lips parted slightly from looking up, and through the lens of his glasses, his eyes looked a little lost. 'What is it?'

From Lu Heyang's angle, he could clearly see Xu Ze's collarbones, mostly exposed under the shirt with two buttons undone — perhaps because of the alcohol, that patch of skin was tinged faintly red. The feel of strands of hair passing between his fingers was subtle. Lu Heyang looked down at Xu Ze's face, his fingers gripping his hair suddenly tightening for an instant before stopping at once, and finally he just ruffled Xu Ze's hair.

'You shouldn't drink so much in the future,' he said, withdrawing his hand.