Chapter 32: Give up the illusion

Ye Yao returns to his house, sits down and makes himself a cup of tea.

Ye Yao smells the tea and composes herself in a low but somewhat wonderful mood.

He was expecting Lu Xun to leave. He had been friends with Lu Xun for many years, and it would be impossible to say that he wasn't sad to see the relationship end.

But at the same time, there is also a sense of relief when the dust has settled.

He no longer has to rack his brains to alienate Lu Xun, no longer has to tread carefully on a tightrope, in constant fear of a lightning storm.

Before he entered the examination hall, he told himself that he didn't have to be too nervous when he couldn't do a question because he had done his best to study, so even if he failed, he didn't have to beat himself up and get frustrated.

Now it's all over for him and Lu Xun, a friendship he has tried his best to preserve.

Ye Yao drains his tea in one go.

Go to bed, tomorrow it will be a new day and the sun will rise as usual.

*

Lu Xun's mind was almost blank as he ran out, with only Ye Yao's words to him floating back and forth.

I like being the one down there, I like being the one down there, I like being the one down there.

The words were more powerful than Tang Sanzang's incantation at the moment, and continued to circulate until Lu Xun came downstairs and was abruptly awakened by the chilly spring breeze that blew all over his face.

In the room, Ye Yao spoke those words just as the zero protagonist on the phone made a hundred twists and turns. In that moment, he had a vision of Ye Yao lying on the bed.

Ye Yao was wearing soft beige pajamas, his cheeks slightly red from the warmth of the quilt he was covered in. Ye Yao looks at him and smiles, reaches out and touches the knot in his throat.

Lu Xun hadn't really been touched by Ye Yao's throat knot, after all, it's an area that he doesn't touch in his daily life. But his whole scalp was tingling just imagining it.

Such a Ye Yao ...... is so different from the usual.

How can he fantasise about Ye Yao like that? What is the difference between thinking about Ye Yao like that and those bastards who insulted Ye Yao for wanting a man?

Once upon a time he was sick of people thinking that way about Ye Yao, and now he's become one of those people.

This undeserved imagination prompted Lu Xun to run away and not meet Ye Yao face to face.

Now Lu Xun is walking downstairs, circling the building again and again. He was so energetic that after a few laps at super speed he didn't feel tired at all, but rather a certain fire was burning in his heart Xiong Xiong and his mind was in a tizzy.

Ye Yao, being gay, prefers to be below, not above as he subconsciously assumes.

What to do?

Ye Yao was different from what he thought he was, how could it be different, it was different!

Lu Xun had been walking downstairs for I don't know how many laps when he suddenly woke up.

He left Ye Yao behind without saying a word, would Ye Yao misunderstand and think he was disgusted with him and despised him down there?

A cold sweat broke out on Lu Xun's back and he quickly took the lift back up to the floor where he lived, took a deep breath when he reached the door, straightened his clothes and carefully opened it.

The house is quiet, Ye Yao is not inside.

Lu Xun disappointedly went inside and picked up his phone to look at it; Ye Yao hadn't sent him a message in the time he'd been away, saying he'd gone back first or something.

The phone was full of junk SMS messages pushed by various apps, not a single message or phone call that Ye Yao might have sent to him.

...... is not good.

Thinking that Ye Yao might be angry about this, Lu Xun hastily clicked on the chat box with Ye Yao. But as he pressed his fingers on the keyboard, Lu Xun found himself at a loss as to what to say.

How was he going to explain this to Ye Yao?

Running out not because he was nauseous, because he was imagining some weird scenario?

Lu Xun failed to organize his words and finally picked a very cute emoji to send.

A small round-headed shark peeks halfway out from behind the wall with the words: [Any cuties at home?

Lu Xun waited for a while, but did not hear back from Ye Yao.

Lu Xun frowned as he walked around the house a few more times before finally going out to the door of Ye Yao's house.

He had been downstairs and hadn't seen Ye Yao go out, so Ye Yao must be in the house and a knock on the door should bring Ye Yao out.

Lu Xun raises his hand to knock on the door, then pauses.

What did Ye Yao say when he came out?

Lu Xun's mind was in turmoil as he had received so many shocks today, from Ye Yao staying away from him not because he hated him, but because he liked men. From Ye Yao confessing to him that he was beneath him, to his sinful fantasies about Ye Yao, it was one wave after another that hit his perceptions and ideas.

If you can't explain it to Ye Yao now, you'll be adding to the problem.

Lu Xun didn't knock on the door after all, he slowly turned around and went back inside, sitting on the sofa and thinking.

He needed someone to help him sort out his thoughts.

Lu Xun turned on his phone and found his dog-headed military advisor.

Lu Xun called directly because he didn't know if the dog's head was still blocking him.

After waiting for some time, the call was answered.

Lu Ming's voice was noisy in the background, and when Lu Ming picked up, he said, "Hello? I'm at a concert, I'll be in touch later."

"I have emotional questions I want to ask you." Lu Xun said.

"I'm analysing relationships with you at a rock concert?" Lu Ming was incredulous, "Is that what this occasion is for? I'll call you after the concert."

"Your previous guess was right," Lu Xun says, "Ye Yao is indeed bent, he told me he's been bent since he went to university."

Lu Ming, alarmed, looked around and withdrew from the viewing gallery.

Analyzing relationship issues at a rock concert, that's a real punk act! It's so artsy!

Although he now knows that Ye Yao is bent, Lu Ming has no desire to persuade him to stay away from Lu Xun, the pink jumper he knitted at the time is still in his mind and is a constant shock to his world view.

As Lu Ming walked outside to a quieter place, he said to Lu Xun, "Isn't it good for you that he's bent?"

Lu Xun isn't very straight anyway.

What did Lu Xun call to ask him to analyse, to analyse how two men could be more sweetly in love?

"What's just right." Lu Xun furrowed his brow, "How can he be just right for me when he's bent."

Lu Ming: "......"

Lu Ming, a gay connoisseur, finally couldn't help but give a shit-eating look.

What does that mean, for goodness sake, Lu Xun doesn't still think he's a straight man!

"So you're a straight guy and you found out he's bent, but you still want to be friends with him, you just don't know how to get along?"

"Something like that." Lu Xun says, "What else, find out he's crooked and I walk away? A relationship that's been going on for years just breaks up? I'm not that extreme."

Lu Ming: "...... you fart."

"What did you say when your hairdresser who used to like you cried and told you that you grew up together and knew each other for so many years, not to mention ignoring him." Lu Ming poked at someone's double standard act without mercy, "You said you weren't humane, don't give you that, it's useless to have known you for a hundred years, heh."

Lu Xun is not happy: "How can he be compared to Ye Yao."

Lu Ming: "...... line, you can say what you like."

"And there's no reason why straight guys can't be friends with gay guys." Lu Xun added.

Lu Ming spat expressionlessly, "And you've said before that it's not like you're sick and tangled up with a gay guy."

Lu Xun is silent.

Lu Ming is also silent.

Lu Xun had already thought it through and wanted to continue to be friends with Ye Yao, so why did he call to ask him?

There must be something different from what Lu Xun thought.

Lu Ming thought for a moment, "He confessed to you and you didn't know how to respond?"

"No." Lu Xun subconsciously gripped his phone tighter and walked around the room a few more times.

He realised a problem, although he was shocked by Ye Yao being below and couldn't sort out his head, whether Ye Yao was above or below was entirely Ye Yao's privacy and he shouldn't tell anyone without Ye Yao's permission.

He doesn't tell Lu Ming why, and Lu Ming can't help him with his ideas.

Never mind, it's better for him to analyse it himself.

Lu Xun said a few random words and was about to hang up when Lu Ming called him on the other end.

"I don't know about you, but if you're still friends with him and still get along with him in the same pattern as before, then I advise you not to do it." Lu Ming said seriously.

Lu Xun stops to hang up the phone.

"Even if he doesn't like you now, can you continue to knit jumpers like you used to, take him everywhere, and hold hands while you walk? Forget it, it was fine when you were both straight, now he's curvy and you say you're straight, what are you going to do in case he gets turned on by you?"

Lu Xun's pupils narrowed slightly.

What if ...... Ye Yao liked him?

His head felt like it was going to explode, his blood was boiling as if he was sprinting at 180 mph, it was a subconscious tension, Lu Xun's heart was pounding.

Lu Ming couldn't see Lu Xun's expression on the other end of the phone, so he continued, "Should we break up with him, or should we continue to get along with him as usual, but just not accept him and just be friends with him?"

Lu Xun could not accept either of the two options.

Separate, that is absolutely impossible, unless he dies.

How sad would it be for Ye Yao if he continues to be friends without regard to his feelings? How can such a person deserve to be Ye Yao's friend?

Lu Ming concluded, "If you don't want that to happen, I urge you to keep a distance from him and think about whether you can live with the consequences of that before you approach each time."

With that said, Lu Ming hung up the phone with a dismissive grunt.

Lu Xun actually says he's a straight man.

He is no longer the fool he once was who would have been easily deceived by Lu Xun.

Lu Xun is the straight man who takes his head off and plays it like a football!

Two gays who hold hands every day, it's better to get together quickly! You really think you're straight if you don't stimulate it?

*

Lu Xun starts going around the house again.

Unexplained emotions flooded his body, making it impossible to stop.

What will become of his relationship with Ye Yao ......?

For twenty years of his life, Lu Xun has never doubted his sexuality, let alone that he is not a straight man.

He could never accept kissing a man; the slightest thought of it made him sick to his stomach.

But if you replace it with Ye Yao ......

Lu Xun subconsciously swallowed.

He never imagined images that were disrespectful to Ye Yao before, even when they were rubbing together, he would deliberately keep his eyes away from Ye Yao's back below the waist.

But if the object of the kiss is Ye Yao, it doesn't seem disgusting.

After all, it was Ye Yao, and wherever he was, it smelled good to him.

What will Ye Yao's lips taste like?

Lu Xun accelerates around the house.

Ye Yao clearly told him that it was located below.

If Ye Yao likes him, will he be okay with sleeping with Ye Yao?

Lu Xun's mind once again recalls that image.

Ye Yao Yao lay back on the bed, reached out and touched the knot in his throat.

......

Does he want to keep Ye Yao at arm's length?

Because he is straight, he should keep the right distance, Ye Yao will not have the possibility of liking him, and he will be able to maintain a long friendship with Ye Yao and become a suitable, not over the line friend?

*

Ye Yao woke up the next day to see an emoji sent to him by Lu Xun.

Ye Yao: "?"

Lu Xun is back quite early, as shown by the time of the emoji.

Lu Xun's receptiveness was beyond Ye Yao's expectation, and Ye Yao thought about it for a while but did not reply.

It seems that Lu Xun wants to remain friends with him, but since Lu Xun didn't knock on his door or call him last night, he must have been hesitant.

Hesitantly, I don't know if I want to continue to be best friends with him, a gay man below, as the best friend in the world.

It's good to let nature take its course and fade away.

Ye Yao began a new day of catching up on his work, during which he did not see Lu Xun.

Ye Yao is not surprised that Lu Xun and he are now in a relationship where they say hello and don't cling to each other too much, which is the best distance he wants to achieve.

Thinking about it that way makes it all the more enjoyable.

Ye Yao finished the day's tutorials calmly, and at the end of the evening, he went out with Wang Xue.

Wang Xue was going home from class, while he was getting ready to take the bus back to the hostel.

Wang Xue was walking and talking to Ye Yao: "Yao, I'm not bragging to you, if you are with me, you can do whatever job you want, you don't have to run around and work for a living, you just need to do what you like. How wonderful, this kind of condition can't be given by ordinary people."

"Study hard and don't get distracted by such nonsense-" Ye Yao opened the door to the house and stopped abruptly in mid-sentence.

In the corridor between the outside of his house and the lift, a familiar figure crouched there.

The figure, with long arms and legs and a spirited, debonair face, was now crouched outside his doorway in resignation, wondering what he was thinking.

Lu Xun stood up quickly after seeing Ye Yao and straightened his clothes. He took one look at Ye Yao's face and then quickly averted his eyes to stare at Ye Yao's clothes.

"Going back to school together?" Lu Xun asked in a muffled voice.

Ye Yao was incredulous: "You waited for me here on purpose?"

He thought they were now on a gentleman's level, but Lu Xun was waiting for him to go back to school with him?

"Brother Yao, who is this man?" Wang Xue spoke up alertly.

"...... my friend." Ye Yao said.

Lu Xun grunted, inexplicably irritated.

Friends, their relationship, a simple word about friends and that's the end of it?

And this high school student, what's with the name Ye Yao, the name Ye Yao is something this damn high school student can be called? What a heartbreaker, both calling Ye Yao by his more affectionate first name instead of his surname, and adding an honorific after his first name to make Ye Yao happy.

Lu Xun is planning to spend this time thinking about what to do next and what distance is best between him and Ye Yao.

He wanted to keep a respectful relationship that would be the least wrong until he could fully think about it, so as not to hurt Ye Yao later.

But I didn't expect that he would break his guard in one shot!

Why was the distance between this damn male high school student and Ye Yao closer than the distance between him and Ye Yao! Isn't this guy just an ordinary remedial student!

Lu Xun takes a giant leap forward, looking at Ye Yao's backpack and wondering if he should just grab it and carry it like he did before.

Lu Xun held back, but chose to be polite first: "You have too much stuff, shall I carry some for you?"

Ye Yao shook his head, "No, let's go."

Lu Xun was rejected and followed Ye Yao into the lift with a blank expression.

The walls of the lift were so bright they could have been mirrors, and Lu Xun saw Ye Yao's hand draped next to his, which he could have held with the slightest lift of his hand.

Lu Xun's fingers tingled and he clenched his hand into a fist, lest his hand take Ye Yao against his will when he wasn't looking, which would have been bad.

But he has not been able to get up close and personal with Ye Yao for a long time.

Ye Yao also did not touch him voluntarily.

Ye Yao certainly wouldn't touch him voluntarily.

Ye Yao must have been angry when he did that last night.

Lu Xun's mood is one of extreme boredom as he clenches and unclenches his hand, and then clenches it again.

Lu Xun struggled to hold on, waiting to get into a taxi to return to school and hastily apologising as he and Ye Yao walked alone along the campus path.

"I'm sorry about last night ......, I shouldn't have run off like that." Lu Xun said, "You can punish me and scold me all you want."

Ye Yao didn't even think about what Lu Xun was saying for a while, and when he remembered, he said with a tearful smile, "I'm not angry, you're running quite well."

Lu Xun is in trouble only if he doesn't run.

I'm sure Lu Xun has figured it out, and it's good that he's now at this distance that makes him comfortable.

Lu Xun was a little confused, but when he saw that Ye Yao did not look angry, he relaxed a little.

The leaves rustle as the evening breeze blows.

In the past, when he and Ye Yao walked along this campus path, either he had his arm around Ye Yao's shoulder or he was holding Ye Yao's hand.

But there was nothing he could do now.

It's so hard, it's hard to feel empty inside.

He craves any bit of contact with Ye Yao ...... as long as he can get close.

As things stand now, the only time he can be more intimate with Ye Yao is probably when he is sleeping in the dormitory.

Although he could no longer sleep in the same bed, at least he could still be head to head with Ye Yao and he could look at Ye Yao's sleeping silhouette in the dark.

It was the only manna left to sustain him.

*

After returning to the dormitory and washing up, Lu Xun crawls wearily into bed.

Soon, soon it will be head to head with Ye Yao ......

Crawling into bed, Lu Xun saw something that stopped his breathing - Ye Yao had moved his pillow to the other side of the bed and was now reading a book away from him.

"What are you doing?" Lu Xun exclaimed out of breath.

"Huh?" At the sound of the voice, Ye Yao took his eyes off his book, "I didn't do anything, did I? Just changed the pillow around."

Ye Yao looked at Lu Xun's suddenly gloomy face and raised an eyebrow, "Do you still think I'm going to sleep like I did before? You've made your point, give up your illusions, Lu Xun."