Chapter 95: change you back to the shore

Organizing Ciyan Qin's life's work is a time-consuming task.

Doctors are often very busy, and Qingcheng Xie is not as multi-tasked as he used to be because of his medication. After some consideration, he finally talked to Ruoqiu Li and decided to leave the hospital and become a teacher at the university.

Ruoqiu Li was already feeling less for Qingcheng Xie, she was almost at this time, met the married man she later cheated on, so she didn't care so much about Qingcheng Xie, what he said is what.

But Qingcheng Xie, always an extremely responsible man, married Ruoqiu Li after he decided to take the extended-release drug RN-13 and become a normal person. If he would have died at the age of 40, or if his disease was out of control, he would not have involved a tender woman.

Although he is emotionally indifferent, he has tried his best to live as a normal person, only Ruoqiu Li is pursuing a hot love.

That is what Qingcheng Xie could not give her.

In fact, Qingcheng Xie also thought at that time that if he went to college, he could always spend more time with his wife during the summer and winter, although he didn't know how to be romantic, but watching movies and walking around the road were always something he could do, and in his opinion, it was also an obligation he should fulfill.

The resignation letter is typed and ready to be handed in.

But at that moment, something happened at Hu Yi Hospital that caused Qingcheng Xie to slow down the resignation process.

--

"Why are these security measures being removed?"

"Oh, that." The staff member who was busy dismantling the scanner at the entrance scratched his head, "I don't know, I think it's because of the press interview?"

"Shouldn't press interviews support hospitals' increased security after Ciyan Qin?"

Another worker was a bit more gossipy, and when he saw Qingcheng Xie's interest in talking to them, he went over and said mysteriously, "That reporter has an idea, he thinks what others have reported is not written. He thought there was nothing more to write about. He came up with a whole new angle to look at the problem, and look how much heat he got for this special commentary."

With that, he handed his dirty, oil-stained phone to Qingcheng Xie.

Qingcheng Xie took a look at it, it was a large portal at that time. The headline was a social commentary with a photo of a special commentator, a thick-necked man with glasses and a benign-looking face, but with a sinister look.

Qingcheng Xie stood in the hospital's crowded lobby and spent a few minutes reading the review carefully.

I have to say that words are sometimes something much more horrific than physical violence. Where the narrow alley is short, killing is like grass without hearing a sound.

Then the journalist commentator wrote from another angle about how the increased security at the hospital made it more troublesome and painful for patients to seek medical care.

"Whether pregnant women and children, or the oldest old people, they must be examined at the entrance of the hospital, which often has a long queue at the entrance. The reporter saw those patients who were already suffering from illness entanglement, waiting anxiously in the open air, and could not help but reflect that while it is necessary to protect the safety of medical personnel, has the nation's advocacy of people-friendly services, especially medical people-friendly services, become an empty phrase? Is the hospital overdoing it?"

That report seemed calm in tone, but threw out many arguments that were inflammatory enough.

Qingcheng Xie is not a fool, he reads very well.

After Ciyan Qin was killed by a medical disturbance, the security measures of a hospital in Shanghai underwent a major upgrade, which was indeed criticized. The hospital originally wanted to make this transition first, and then slowly improve the convenience of security checks up, but who would have thought that a special commentary, but stirred up waves of a thousand layers, especially those patients full of sad faces at the door with umbrellas waiting to enter in turn photos, in the network to spread at a very fast pace.

Fearing that they would be interviewed/talked to, the leaders of Shanghai Medical Center removed the testers temporarily set up at the entrance, hoping to reduce the risk of public opinion. Of course, the doctors were also accounted for, and the number of security guards patrolling the hospital remained three or four times higher than before.

Here's how the hospital reassured the doctors - "Let's understand that reducing the conflict between doctors and patients has to be done at the root, not by an instrument."

So this became nihilism.

Who doesn't know that doctor-patient conflicts have to be cured at the root?

But what is the root of the conflict? It is human nature.

But human nature can not be treated by the doctors, human nature, if sick, sick to society, it needs to have a bottom line of ideal journalists, artists, self media workers ...... let them throw guns and daggers, to knock on the conscience of the group, they need a tolerant, accept a hundred schools of thought environment, to brew a dose of medicine can heal the heart of the primer. This process will be very long, maybe need ten years, twenty years, need a lot of blood and tears, simmering heart consuming life, need to constantly to the profit-oriented giant throwing tiny stones, need to ignorance, bigotry, insidious, hatred and so on these inherently existing monsters shot fragile arrowheads.

And human culture, it is in the constant struggle between ignorance and spiritual light, tolerance and narrow-mindedness, humanity and bestiality, only in the long history left a blood-spattered footprint.

Evil fruits do not grow in three or two days, and neither does the removal of evil fruits.

At this time, to say "fundamentally change the doctor-patient relationship" and give up the protection of doctors is a grand surrender of the hospital leadership to ignorance.

"I'm not saying you're wrong like this, auntie, please bear with me and listen to my explanation ......"

"Chief, I'm really too tired, I haven't had a sip of water since I entered the clinic this morning."

"We all need to learn from Professor Qin and dedicate our lives at our posts."

Encouraging kindness is an eternal and undefeated truth.

But if it gets to the point of encouraging sacrifice, that is the horror.

Qingcheng Xie watched quietly from the hospital.

Doctors seem to have become very tense, bound by an invisible rope, trapping them in an altar called "white angel", forcing them to place their loved ones, children, freedom and even life behind their profession.

But that's not necessary.

You can't accuse someone of always being selfless, but you should go out of your way to be infinitely grateful for each and every selflessness. But be clear that their giving is not taken for granted.

However, the truth is that no one dared to have a conflict with the patient during that time, and no one dared to say a word against it.

What is even more pitiful is that many of the still young children ...... are disciples of Ciyan Qin, whom Qingcheng Xie should in fact call his mentor and sister.

They are truly trapped in an island, as long as others lift up "Ciyan Qin is doing this", any debate becomes invalid, they can not swim out of this island, in the end, it seems that even they themselves have become numb, forgetting that in addition to doctors, they are also other people's father, mother, child, lover In the end, it seems that even they themselves have become numb, forgetting that besides doctors, they are also other people's fathers, mothers, children, lovers.

Qingcheng Xie saw a sister who had to sign up for a six-month-long exchange program in the mountains under such pressure, but he knew that her mother had lung cancer and that was the last time she would spend with her.

He saw a freshly minted junior hiding in a corner crying and shaking after a failed surgery, but under such pressure repeatedly berated himself for being too mentally weak and why he couldn't do his best.

He watched them compel, watched them go from compulsion to inner numbness, watched them go from inner numbness to habitual.

He felt pain in his heart.

It hurts too much.

All this, he thought, was not supposed to be like this.

Where has understanding, gratitude, and forgiveness gone? Are they destined to die in persecution?

Where has the light, the hope, the goodness, gone? Do they have to live in sacrifice?

No.

It shouldn't be like this.

Every person should live well, every life must be respected. Sacrifice is great, but it should never be the ultimate standard for judging greatness, the highest honor.

Cherish dignity, cherish life, cherish every kindness that others give you, and say "thank you" instead of "I want more."

That's the way things should be.

Qingcheng Xie was outside the island, looking at the sisters and brothers inside the island, looking at those who he was not destined to recognize in his life, not to get a "brother" from them.

He thought, "Can I take you guys out.

Before I go, can I take you all away.

So then, he discussed with the woman and acted out a ridiculous farce. He was the center of the whirlpool in the farce, sinking in the ocean.

He can no longer surface.

He said those lines, word for word, that he had prepared dozens of times.

He looked at her as if he were not looking at her, but at the neurosurgeon who had walked the gray and white floors in a hurry countless times.

He saw that the old doctor was telling the nurse at the guide desk that if the patient's family had anything to do, just come to me, not to Dr. Xie who was pulling the strings for this.

He saw the old doctor who told him that sickness is not scary, you have to believe in your heart and that everything can be overcome as long as you live.

He saw the old doctor marching in from the rain with a big umbrella, extending his hand to himself on the steps and saying, "Do you hurt?

He saw the old doctor ask himself who had decided to make a complete farewell to the past - "Xiao Xie, what is the meaning of the book on the water of the name of the long sleeper here? Why is the text on the wrist wound?"

And he answered him: "Because I want to say goodbye to my past self. That Qingcheng Xie is dead, and the future me will also die, and the ruin of my life will be like words written on the surface of the water, eventually disappearing. I just want to be worthy of the life I have, and I want to do something right."

The old doctor smiled and stroked his head: "That's good. In this life, one has to live towards one's heart without giving in, no matter what difficulties one encounters. I'm happy that you can think like this."

"Xiao Xie, I don't think I saved you wrong."

At the end of the day, Qingcheng Xie looks at the man he saw for the first time when he woke up from the car accident in Yanzhou ward.

The man had eyes very similar to those of his father.

Qingcheng Xie closed his eyes, then opened them again...

In front of him was the woman who, at his request, argued and spilled her guts with him in front of the entire hospital.

He looked at her, but not at her, he was looking at Ciyan Qin's shadow, at the place where Ciyan Qin had walked, and he finally spoke, and he said-

"In my opinion, the life of a doctor is far more important than the life of a mental patient."

Your life is far more important than my life.

Qin Lao, do you understand?

Why did you make this choice and why didn't you let Beihai Yi be the first one to find me?

I am just a patient, a patient, a living dead, an ordinary person, a life stealer who has been languishing in the world for more than a decade.

Why do you value my life more than yours?

He fell in deep in the middle of the vortex and kept sinking ...... sinking ......

The light slowly fades out of sight.

The argument is over.

He has been much criticized and ridiculed.

But fortunately, the hospital panicked again as a result, fearing that there would be another such intensification of the doctor-patient conflict.

But that's not enough ......

That's not the last step, he thought.

Qingcheng Xie finally stood on the lectern of the review title and told everyone word for word -

He's resigning.

He said he was afraid.

He cringed, he said, he was just an ordinary doctor. He didn't want to lose his life in this position, and he had to get his life together.

He knew that when he said those words, he was already a target.

The mentors and sisters he wants to redeem will never know the truth.

They will spit on him and clamor against him, and he will be sarcastic and mean to them, saying that their teacher-

His benefactor.

His half-father.

The most compassionate person he will never meet again -

"Blame it on yourself."

Until a long time later, Qingcheng Xie did not know how ruthless he was at that time, to say these four words firmly and viciously, as if they were true.

He took off his title tag and put it back on the flannel pad.

He lifted his eyes and said, "This is my last option.

Let me go into the darkness, which was supposed to be the place I came from.

Only you can no longer be so stupid in the future, to learn to say no, to learn to protect themselves, to know that death is not the only way out of self-evidence of light, live well is.

My teacher once protected me with her life.

Now it's time for me to use my reputation to protect you.

I hope that in the future you ......

Qingcheng Xie closed his eyes and left the conference room in stride, with a wave of shocked uproar behind him.

I hope that in the future, you will not have to exchange your blood and lives for ideals, praise, and medals.

I hope you will all be well in the future.

That, I think, is Ciyan Qin's lifelong wish.

In 2017, a few weeks after Ciyan Qin passed away, Qingcheng Xie left Shanghai Medical Hospital with a reputation as a coward.

In the same month, because of the negative emotions of the doctors, the hospital, after careful consideration, decided to respond to the need of the hospital's security facilities to the community and reset the system to ensure the safety of medical staff, and pleaded for the understanding of patients, promising to upgrade the equipment as soon as possible to improve, not only to prevent patients from waiting for a long time, but also to protect the safety of medical care.

Qingcheng Xie will not be able to enjoy these benefits.

He went back to Strange Rain Lane alone, with disbelief, controversy, spitefulness, and suspicion.

Alone, he left the place that gave him a second life.

When he was a teenager, he wanted to be a police officer.

Then his biological parents died and he had to turn his past dreams into a scar on his wrist in pursuit of the truth.

When he grew up, he became a doctor.

Yet his benefactor, who had been half a father to him, left, and he lost his home for the second time so that his successor would not have to be trapped in a moral prison.

He is the man from the grave.

He will have to go back to the grave after all.

After leaving the company, Qingcheng Xie was in a very unstable mental state because of the great emotional pain and stress she was under.

Although with his usual self-control, and the help of special drugs, he was able to control himself perfectly and live like a normal person. But the shock of that one was too great.

Qingcheng Xie was not even able to go to college for a while.

He is well aware of his condition, he can't afford more torture, even if he is calm, he will still break down.

And if he breaks down, he doesn't know what the consequences will be, whether it will hurt his wife, his sister, his neighbors ......

He was unable to take care of himself, and he devoted all his energy to organizing Ciyan Qin's writings, and only in those familiar strokes and words could he find respite and peace.

There are people, there are things, even if it is the same disease again, he can only ruthlessly cut off and throw down.

--

"So I resigned as your personal physician."

In the cold reservoir, Qingcheng Xie murmured softly, in front of death, he finally said all the secrets that he had sealed for too many years.

"I chose to sink my teeth into what he hadn't done, rather than remain by your side. I was pretty much a wreck by then ...... maybe you'd never see it, you'd think I was pretending to be nice and calm and not any different than usual."

Qingcheng Xie paused, the stinging water seemed to freeze his life there.

"But my heart had collapsed. My core was rotten ...... I was in no position to teach you anything more, Yu He . I made the choice to make and give up."

"...... That's the whole truth."

Yu He listened to his story and did not make a sound for a long time.

Inside the empty and silent studio, only Celine Dion's lilting voice echoed.

The water level line has been in the process of telling these past events, has risen to the top, and now the top of their heads are touching the dome board.

In a few minutes, there will be death ahead.

Yu He eventually whispered, "So ...... you originally planned to take all of this to your grave?"

"Yes."

"You were going to say nothing at all."

"Right."

"You ...... you see I am so sad, you see I have been in the same place trying to find someone who can understand me, but you yourself is, but you do not say anything, you do not tell me anything ......" Yu He's eyes are finally red, he forced in the water Qingcheng Xie, in constant questioning Qingcheng Xie, his voice are hoarse, do not know whether to feel ridiculous, sad, or heartbroken, confused, "you just tell me a little truth, I can understand you, I am able to let you go ...... me and you are two people who can't blend in this society, Qingcheng Xie! Why won't you tell me that you are too? Why won't you hug me and let me hug you too? You what ...... you know everything ...... but you don't say anything ......"

His tears flowed down his face and dripped into the pool water.

"I am cold ah ...... Qingcheng Xie , so many years, you are not cold? Aren't you cold ......"

He looked at him, and he thought about all the conversations Qingcheng Xie had had with him.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his face.

He has never cried like this in front of any person, even in the face of death, he was able to listen to elegant songs and smile calmly and tilt his head to meet.

But at this moment, he knew that he was still alive in the world with the same kind.

The person who can completely understand him, feel his pain, understand his suffering, turns out to have always been ...... right by his side.

Qingcheng Xie told him from the front that he should get out of his inner shadow by himself.

Qingcheng Xie once asked him, "Kid, don't you hurt?

Qingcheng Xie tried to wake him up in the midst of despair, telling him that as long as he lived, any difficulty could be overcome.

You have to ...... always trust your heart.

As long as you live, don't give up hope that you can overcome the disease for a moment.

These words ...... these words, he used to take only as a doctor to a patient's enlightenment.

Can be original ......

But it turns out that those were the words of Qingcheng Xie's own blood and tears! It was the lamentation of another spiritual Bola Ai patient in the deep sea.

That is the road Qingcheng Xie once stumbled along, the love, hate and separation he experienced, the blood from his wounds and tears from his eyes.

Qingcheng Xie, however, said nothing. Can't say anything.

Only by his ...... dumbfounded standing.

He stood alone on the reef, drawing his voice and wailing, above the solitude of the sea, and was slow to get any response - he thought he was the last of the undead allosaurs.

But it turns out that the "human" on his altar has the same blood as he does, and hides the same horrible wings as he does.

Qingcheng Xie ...... doesn't say anything.

Say nothing!!!

Yu He closed his eyes with great effort, could not help but hit him and scold him, he questioned him, resented him, full of hatred and anger, sadness and distress.

He said, "Qingcheng Xie, I really hate you. This is more painful to me than you not telling me the truth. Did you hate me so much that you had to tell me such things at the end, that you were not willing to tell me until the end, that I was actually never alone, were you?"

He cursed, out and out in anger.

But in the end, he clung to Qingcheng Xie--

In the cold, shivering ice water.

In the dark room so suffocating that one can hardly breathe.

In the dim and dark, in no one's place, before life and death.

The dying dragon clung to him, crying, cursing, wailing, but even his fingers and claws were trembling, but it was like trying to strangle Qingcheng Xie's whole body into his own flesh and blood.

They are two of the loneliest people in heaven and earth.

Before death comes, one of them finally removes the masquerade, allowing the other to see their similar faces.

Before death came, one finally took pity on the other and told him that he was not alone in the world.

The water eventually flooded to the mouth and nose, life and death in a matter of moments.

Yu He reddened his eyes and looked deeply at Qingcheng Xie - the eyes seemed like hatred, like resentment, like forgiveness, like deep depression, there were too many emotions in them at once, eager to live up to the last freedom when these eyes could still express joy, anger and sorrow.

Endless summer, in prosperous flowers.

The scarred Cthulhu, burdened with heavy shackles, shackles of secrets and the sin of forbidden medicine, takes human form and comes to the young dragon.

Cthulhu looked at the tiny, curled-up child sitting on the steps.

It's like looking at the person you once were through the years of upheaval and painful struggle.

He put his hand, which had taken the form of a human, to the young dragon.

In the pupils of his mirror-like eyes, the child's figure is reflected.

He said -

"Kid, don't you hurt?"

He asks because he knows that it hurts.

The pain of numbness and despair is actually not even worth mentioning before the pain of numbness and despair.

Qingcheng Xie himself has experienced the kind of pain that can crush a giant - knowing that he won't live long, feeling useless, that no pioneer has ever come out of this quagmire alive, and having to live out his life in this quagmire.

He knows all of this.

But he couldn't talk to Yu He, which was very painful.

He could only ask.

He remembered how the doctor, once upon a time, had comforted himself with blood on his hands. He could only clumsily imitate, then with the face of a normal person, to pick up the cowering young dragon.

He knew Yu He wanted company, a little inspiration from his own kind.

He is not without the slightest compassion.

But he had too much to do, and he was so cruel to himself, let alone to Yu He. His only tenderness became the handsome words he signed on Jiwei He's employment letter.

When he is still able to do so, as a psychiatrist to accompany him, to open up to him, he can give him, and so some help.

This is the last bit of energy Qingcheng Xie has left.

Not much.

But he gave it all to Yu He.

He lost his dream for the truth.

Lost my health for my sister.

He lost the meaning of living in order to overcome the disease.

And again, for the sake of the meaning of living, lose your peace and tranquility.

He lost his parents, lost his half-father, lost his new home that he could not easily find, lost his police rank and then lost his white coat, and to protect the students who did not even know him, he had to be expelled from even the last pulpit where he had sheltered, and he had to lose even a desk.

All his life, since that rainy night, he has not been able to hold anything.

He lost his peace forever.

Even for the sake of mental clarity, he had to sacrifice away even the most basic emotions that he was born with - he kept telling Yu He "to be calm". But that was not being demanding or commanding.

It was the bloody pale dragon telling the tiny dragon cub how to go the furthest on this thorny road.

It was the spell that guarded his own trek across such distant mountains and waters.

He hoped he would understand.

That's it ...... what he has, what he has left.

He gave company to Xue Xie, courage to Man Chen, filial piety to Aunt Li, and gratitude to Qin Lao.

He gave the protection to the doctor.

Giving knowledge to the students.

There is still a sick body left to collect the rest of the sins, the incomprehension, the secrets, the pain, the invectives - he has placed them in this body.

He kept this sick body to himself.

And the experience of this sick body, the suffering he has undergone in his life, is of no use to anyone but Yu He.

So, he left the experience to Yu He.

That was the last thing left on his body after he had dismantled his flesh and blood and bones, and the only thing he could gift to people again.

Although Yu He is not very appreciative, always don't, always feel that what he said is wrong, is not understand, is not able to empathize. But he really could not say more, more naked / naked.

He never intended to identify with it, only at this moment, death came before them both. Cang Long will die with the young dragon, he finally at this moment out of the huge feathered wings, stretching the spiny tail dragon head, shaking off the dust, from the mortal body to break out of the cocoon, in the lonely island to shake the heart of the sad cry.

He turned his head and looked at the Long Xiao cub who was staring at him blankly.

Finger claw light touch.

He said -

That's the whole truth.

Yu He Watch him ......

Yu He is undoubtedly resentful. He is deeply resentful. No one can easily be relieved after being deceived for so long.

But in that resentment, there seems to be an emotion that has never been felt before.

That was the emotion that Long Xiao felt when he looked at the deep scars that crisscrossed Canglong's body. Those scars were too heavy and too deep, visible blood, visible flesh, visible bone, visible the slow beating, sick heart in Canglong's chest.

Normal people with such injuries would have died.

If you don't die, you will definitely beg to die.

Qingcheng Xie, a man who lives every moment by courage, by the power of the human heart, his life is loaded with torture, where there is no half enjoyment.

It turns out that the only one of its kind is trying its best to survive in this way.

The water floods and reaches the eyes.

Gradually, they could no longer breathe coherently, and they could only try their best to grab the last bit of air by occasionally leaning back.

--

But the dome of the studio is not completely flat, there is a narrow platform, the narrow platform above a sloping angle, is the last place where the water will flood.

Unfortunately, the narrow platform is only big enough for one person to climb up and get a few more minutes of life.

A few minutes of life can wait so long after another person is completely overwhelmed, maybe someone will find out and someone will take that survivor away ......

Yu He was silent - he was silent in the face of the truth without saying a word.

Then, he did something that Qingcheng Xie never expected.

Yu He is young, blood is hot, in this kind of consumption, the force left is much more than Qingcheng Xie.

He then used the force that Qingcheng Xie could not resist and suddenly carried the man to the narrow platform.

Qingcheng Xie struggled but he could not, Qingcheng Xie's strength was lost too much, just a movement, was Yu He from the water to press hard.

The young man tilted his head, his red almond eyes looking at Qingcheng Xie.

Yu He didn't say anything else, and didn't know what to say.

His own heart has been a tangled mess, haunted by not knowing whether it is hate, hurt, pity, remorse, is to seek, or disappointed.

He just looked up at Qingcheng Xie and held him in place, not allowing Qingcheng Xie to come down, not allowing Qingcheng Xie to exchange places with him.

At the moment when the ice water completely submerged his head, Yu He's eyes were moist as he looked at Qingcheng Xie, his lips opening and closing.

The voice was faint, like a drowned corpse in a shipwreck, Jumbo ...... sinking quietly into the water.

But Qingcheng Xie was sure he heard it anyway.

He heard the teenager talking.

Just like the teenager who once risked returning to the fire to save the sick people who were deep in the fire and perhaps a little similar to him.

He said, "If you can live. Qingcheng Xie ."

"Then you must not remember me as you remember Ciyan Qin."

"Because I hate you, you lied to me, you abandoned me ...... I hate you, I don't want to be remembered by you ...... I have to go first, the loneliest person in the future is you. You have no more kind ...... Qingcheng Xie , you put on a false face and go back to the society of normal people."

"Forget about all this."

"You're not that old, and if you can live, you'll be able to start over again to get something ...... you never had."

Jellyfish sink into the ocean, no spinal cord, no heart, no eyes, pure as a cloud floating down in the sky.

Outsiders look at them as if they were monsters. Ninety-five percent of these are water beings, so how can they have feelings?

But maybe it is there.

In its short life, it used to love the world very much.

Perhaps it is because of this deep love that transcends flesh and blood that they were able to spend those long 650 million years on this Earth ......

Yu He eyes moistly gazed at Qingcheng Xie , then little by little, was submerged by the great water.