Chapter 168: You don't want me

Qingcheng Xie was numb for a long time, before he finally realized that he had fallen into tears.

That feeling is strange.

He thought sluggishly, so he can still shed tears, can't he?

His heart was finally full, loaded with indigestible emotions came out, into a teardrop that he did not want to shed.

It's too cowardly.

He wanted to.

It's so sad.

He was thirty-three years old, a man of that age, and for what was he driven to this point? He didn't like to have any weak label on himself, he always wanted to be a tough, elder who could give people a sense of infinite trust, but it was just one night, just one night.

It's all ruined.

At this moment, he suddenly felt infinitely tired, he seems to have walked a long, long road, alone for a long, long time, he wanted to be in a limited time, the thorns on the road are removed, so that he protects the people, so that he can leave on a straight path.

He wanted to teach them how they should move on.

Take the stance of a reliable older brother.

But he became a gay man who served others with sex and tangled shamelessly with boys in the eyes of his juniors.

He has become a hypocrite who can be played with at will and is despicable in the eyes of his descendants.

Qingcheng Xie was held by Yu He, did not raise his hand to break away from him, he was so calm and terrible, so calm that Yu He did not dare to be crazy anymore. Finally he said, almost numbly, before his tears dried, "Let go, Yu He."

"...... I knew you liked me, and I thought I could control your feelings. I was the one who overestimated myself. Instead of pulling you up, I went down with you ...... I should have stayed away from you the day I knew you liked me. I originally thought I could get you to let go slowly, but in fact I just let you fall deeper and deeper and gave you needless hope."

I even let myself fall into it.

"I was the one who got too cocky."

"Time and time again, I made mistakes in judgment and hurt you time and time again. It's my own fault for ending up in this situation."

Yu He shook his head and was already sobbing.

Qingcheng Xie slowly rolled his eyes and dropped his gaze on his face, but there was still little focus in his eyes.

"...... You seem to be always more sad than happy after being with me, you almost never cried before, but now you always shed tears in front of me."

Yu He wiped the tears away with great effort and said hoarsely, "No, Brother Xie. I ...... I was happy every day I was with you, I ......"

"And will you still be happy now that you're like this?"

"......"

"We will have to face this day, Yu He." Qingcheng Xie's voice was like a pool of stagnant water, without any ripples, "Think about it, I'm a divorced man, thirteen years older than you, I was never a homosexual. I am ......"

He paused for a moment, then gritted his back teeth before struggling to get the words out that even he had been ashamed to admit before.

"I had that relationship with you because I was drugged and drunk by you and got dizzy, and then slowly became what I am today. Do you still remember?"

Yu He was like being slapped hard and couldn't say anything at once.

"Do you think I will accept you?"

Qingcheng Xie said, so wooden, so cold, and so broken, the pieces of his heart, little by little, with blood, digging out, piece by piece, presented in front of Yu He.

"As you know, after I spent that night with you at the clubhouse, I kept having nightmares, and I woke up every day I felt incredibly sick, I'm a man ...... Yu He , I'm a fucking man! I didn't send you in then because I couldn't pull my face off, I'm not gay."

Yu He's scarlet eyes, but his eyes are moist: "So you think I am?"

"......"

"You think I am, Shea?"

He hugged him and couldn't stop asking him that.

"Do you think I am? ......"

The voice was so helpless, so humble.

Qingcheng Xie doesn't want to hear any more.

He had never before thought of rehashing old scores with Yu He. Those wounds he had suffered, he had never had the pride to cover up and not let Yu He see his scars and blood.

And now he has to kick him out.

Although after experiencing so many lives and deaths, he has long since stopped trying to hold a grudge against Yu He when a glass of wine was poured wrongly and the fault was eventually made, he had to expose all those wounds to him and force him to leave.

"You? ...... you are." Eventually, Qingcheng Xie slowly propped himself up and sat up as he pushed Yu He away, using the hand that barely exerted any strength.

With red eyes, he put his clothes in order, as if at the same time, sorting out his own wretchedness and soldiering on this night.

He took a deep breath and said to him in his calmest and most determined voice, "Once upon a time I didn't know if you were, but now you are gay, and I still am not."

"What I was thinking about, is that we are both men. Between two men is that even if they sleep, there is no emotional relationship ...... you want to ask me why I slept with you - then I answer you - I later held such self-loathing The psychology is paralyzing itself, and you are wrong again and again. It was my fucking fainting, not liking you. Do you understand?"

These words he did not say before, these words he later did not intend to say again, at this moment all said, as if when the chest a hard kick in the heart of the teenager.

Qingcheng Xie finished, his own eyes were also a little red because of emotional excitement, he got up, chest heaving, gaze downward, staring at the boy sitting rigidly.

He realized that if he had just said things that didn't hurt or even blamed himself for Yu He's illness, then Yu He would never have let it go.

He finally said hoarsely, "Now I've decided to end it. Let's turn the page. Do you know how to turn the page? Do you want me to show you by hand?"

Yu He said in a mournful voice: "Brother ......"

"......"

"I can't turn the page ...... I really like you ...... I know we had a lot of bad memories in the past ...... but can you tell me ...... is there any way we can start over again ...... is there any way ......"

Qingcheng Xie's look so hard, but the end of the eyes still have not dried wet, he fixed Yu He for a while, said: "...... no."

"No more, Yu He . I don't need your compensation nor do I need you to apologize again. I'm not talking to you about the clubhouse incident for anything but to remind you that I couldn't possibly love a man at all. If you really feel guilty about that past, I only ask you for one thing."

"......"

"From now on, please mind your own business, don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others, do your best, be good, live and be good. And then, please - stay as far away from me as you can."

He paused for a moment.

"That's the most kindness you can give me, the most kindness you can give me."

"......"

"Be quiet for a while by yourself."

"...... Brother ......"

"I'm out of here."

This dormitory, he does not want to stay at all, he is too hard, he needs to return to a place that can be called "home" to curl up and heal.

Although he has long been without his parents, and his sister will leave home.

But he still has a small house in Strange Rain Lane, that's the last place he can settle down and hide to relieve himself.

When he finished, he pushed the door and walked out.

"Thank you brother ...... thank you brother!"

Yu He stumbled after him as if waking up from a dream and tried to grab his hand.

But Qingcheng Xie looked back at him from the aisle, and he said, "Do you really want to keep pushing me and yourself like this?"

"......"

"I told you we'd have to do this someday, Yu He."

"You should put it down."

The moonlight is slanting, he is on one side of the walkway, Yu He is on the other, and a little moonlight is pouring in through the side window grill.

Qingcheng Xie stared at Yu He for a while, his eyesight was getting blurred, so he could not see Yu He's expression clearly even by the moonlight at this moment. He turned around and left.

His gaze when he left was so tired, so weary, that it became an iron lock full of thorns, strangling Yu He's flesh and blood, binding his whole body.

This time Yu He, did not catch up again.

Only when he reached the stairway, Yu He shouted: " Qingcheng Xie."

The voice seems to be bloodied, trapped and choked, like the howl of a wolf dog that is bewildered and confused after going crazy.

Qingcheng Xie closed his eyes, did not turn around, walking down the steps, Yu He shouted again: " Qingcheng Xie!"

The voice was a little louder than before, a little more desperate, like it wanted him to turn back, even if only to stop for a moment.

Qingcheng Xie seems to be colder than ice, his heart is harder than iron, and he still didn't even give him a half-hearted pause.

Qingcheng Xie eventually disappeared around the corner, after the empty and silent walkway, faintly, came the last voice: " Qingcheng Xie ......"

Perhaps the distance is far away, it sounded, the sound was horribly sunken, like a person who was killed after a desperate struggle, the hot blood flowed out, and became a ghost, with hate, with injuries, ghostly floating up from the dead body.

Qingcheng Xie sealed his heart, like a soulless puppet, without looking back, completely left this long and empty hallway corridor.

He is far away.

Yu He lowered his head and slowly curled down, as if he had been stabbed with some blunt instrument, he suppressed a choked sob, hugged himself, and fell to sit on the dirty doorstep ......

Once again, the pain in my chest was excruciating.

It was real pain, the kind of pain he had never felt before.

He raised his eyes and looked in the direction of Qingcheng Xie's departure, as if even his pupils were red.

" Qingcheng Xie ......"

He shivered and hugged himself, lost in thought and murmured ......

He's so uncomfortable, his monitoring tape is totally spiking red and he desperately needs to take his medication ...... he needs to take his medication ...... he can't let him look bad ...... where's the medication... ...where's the medicine ......!

He rushed inside Qingcheng Xie's dormitory and wailed heartily, he had to restrain himself on one side and was about to be driven mad by the intensity of his emotions. He went to pour water ...... he took the medicine he had been carrying with him these days ......

Yu He was so devastated that he didn't even notice that behind the porch pillar, which he didn't see, there was a man who had been standing with a look that seemed even more numb and painful than his-

It's Man Chen.

Man Chen did not go.

Worried about Qingcheng Xie, he did not leave, but hid behind the corridor pillar outside the dormitory. So he saw the strong entanglement between them and heard the whole conversation between Qingcheng Xie and Yu He.

Man Chen stood there with cold hands and feet, as if his soul had been taken away from his body and emptied.

Man Chen looked down at his trembling hands ......

It is obvious that he met it first.

But he missed it because of his pure goodness, gentleness, and stoicism ...... all ...... missed it!!!

He tilted his head, resignation and pain burned and melted his heart, his eyes - already blood red.