Chapter 62: —

When Shen Zhi woke up, the Little Crocodile was tucked in his arms. He instinctively reached to the side—empty. The curtains were drawn shut. He sat up and checked his watch: just past nine. Shen Zhi got out of bed. At the door, he fell into his habitual doubt again, but didn't hesitate long. He opened the door and walked to the railing.

From below came the clatter of bowls and chopsticks, along with the smell of food. Shen Zhi's suspended heart finally settled, bit by bit. He remembered how, after Xu Yan had led him back to the room last night, he hadn't lain awake until dawn like before, but had fallen asleep again quickly—because Xu Yan had held his arm, saying it would ensure he didn't have nightmares.

So he really hadn't dreamed again. He'd slept straight through till morning.

Shen Zhi turned back to the room, changed his clothes, washed up.

When he came downstairs, Xu Yan had just finished making breakfast, a fried egg held between his teeth. He turned and saw Shen Zhi standing there. Xu Yan startled, used his chopsticks to set the egg back on the plate, and said, 'You're up?'

Shen Zhi liked hearing these—these everyday little nothings, like 'woke up,' 'you're back,' 'all done.' Xu Yan always said them so naturally.

'Mm.'

Xu Yan poured him soy milk, saying as he did, 'I added too much sugar, it's very sweet. Eat another fried egg to balance it out.'

After falling ill, Shen Zhi had lost his appetite for a time, along with desires in every other area. Dopamine seemed to have stopped secreting; nothing could spark his interest. He could go a whole day without a single bite of food. Chewing, for him, was an exhausting, wearying task—too tiring to bother with.

Later, things improved somewhat, but only to that extent—eating was to maintain bodily function; whether it tasted good or not didn't matter.

Shen Zhi bit into a fried egg, then took a sip of soy milk.

Salty, sweet—both very common flavors, but Shen Zhi seemed to have finally recovered his long-lost sense of taste. He looked at Xu Yan and said, 'It's good.'

'Then eat more.' Xu Yan smiled. 'I'll head back to the Company for a meeting this morning, come by in the afternoon.'

'Together. I need to go your way too, dinner with a client.' Shen Zhi said, 'I can sleep at your place tonight.'

'My bed isn't as big as yours. Two people won't be comfortable.' Xu Yan thought for a second, then said with mock seriousness, 'If you don't mind, Lawyer Shen can take the sofa.'

'I mind.' Shen Zhi answered.

After breakfast, they rested for an hour or so, then set off. Xu Yan didn't like talking while driving—lips pressed together, eyes on the road ahead. Shen Zhi sat in the passenger seat, head down over his materials, but that made him dizzy easily; he needed to look up at Xu Yan, look out the window, adjust.

Coming off the highway, Xu Yan dropped Shen Zhi at the client's Company building, reached over to straighten his tie: 'Let me know when you're done, I'll come get you.'

'Mm.' Shen Zhi took his hand, squeezed it in his palm, then let go.

He got out, closed the car door, walked a few steps, then turned. He saw Xu Yan slumped over the steering wheel, head tilted, waving at him—like some parent dropping a kid off at kindergarten.

After the meeting, Xu Yan, on his way home, got a call from Xu Nian asking if he'd eaten the dumplings their mom had made. Xu Yan: 'Didn't have time. I slept at Shen Zhi's place yesterday, just walked out of a meeting at the Company, heading back now.'

The other end went quiet for a moment. Xu Nian: 'Oh.'

After a few seconds, he asked again, 'When will you be home? I'm off this afternoon, I'll hang at yours for a bit, then go pick up my sister from work when it's time.'

'Come on over. I'll be there in ten minutes.'

In the elevator, Xu Yan got a WeChat from Shen Zhi: Don't need to pick me up. When I'm done, I'll come find you at your place.

Xu Yan replied: Okay, I'm home.

When he walked in, Xu Nian was already sitting in the living room looking at his phone. Xu Yan changed his shoes and asked, 'Young Master Xu, tea or coffee for you?'

'Eat dumplings.' Xu Nian said.

'Alright.'

The dumplings were cooked and Xu Yan brought them to the table. He'd only eaten half when he heard Xu Nian ask, 'Ge, what exactly do you like about Shen Zhi?'

'Handsome face, good body, rich, doesn't fool around.' Xu Yan brushed him off casually.

Knowing he was being brushed off but completely unable to refute it, Xu Nian choked for a moment before saying, 'He wasn't good to you before.'

'We're both different from how we used to be, so I'm giving us both another chance to try. That's what I think.'

'And if it doesn't work out?'

'Then we won't force it. No regrets on either side.' Xu Yan took a sip of water and held out a hand toward Xu Nian. 'Give me my house key.'

Xu Nian was baffled: 'What for? You lost yours? Didn't you just use a key to open the door?'

'I'm giving it to Shen Zhi.'

'Xu Yan!' Xu Nian's temper flared instantly. He slammed the table. 'You give him the key but not me?!'

'What's the rush? Forget it, then.' Xu Yan smiled. 'Just kidding. I have another one. I'll give him that one.'

Realizing he'd been played, Xu Nian trembled with rage, couldn't even hold his chopsticks steady, and switched to a different angle of attack: 'Shen Zhi's been seeing a psychologist for so long, he must've taken a ton of meds. Too much causes impotence, you know!'

This concerned male dignity—a matter of grave importance. Hearing this, Xu Yan also slammed the table, harder than Xu Nian: 'Get lost! You're the impotent one!'

'Reacting that big—did you try it last night and find he really can't perform?' Xu Nian laughed coldly, words coming out without thought. 'Ge, accept reality!'

The two were in the middle of a fierce argument over a nonexistent andrology issue when a phone rang. Xu Yan glanced at it—Shen Zhi: I'm in the elevator, almost there.

'Whether Shen Zhi's impotent right now, I don't know. But if you dare bring this up in front of him, watch out, I'll cut you off.' Xu Yan warned him in a low voice, then walked around the table to open the door. He looked down the hallway—Shen Zhi had just stepped out of the elevator at the end.

Xu Nian stood in the living room holding his bowl, his expression darkening. He watched Shen Zhi come in and change his shoes—damn it, those Berluti Shoes, he'd seen them at Xu Yan's place a few days ago, and they belonged to Shen Zhi! This meant that when he'd come to deliver dumplings that day, Shen Zhi had been right there!

When he'd been babbling to Xu Yan about the delicate-flower sister-in-law, this delicate flower surnamed Shen must have been hiding in his ge's room!

'President Xu.' Shen Zhi finished changing into slippers, straightened up, and greeted Xu Nian.

Xu Nian clutched his bowl, his expression shifting uncertainly through several shades, before answering stiffly, 'Morning, Lawyer Shen.'

It was now 4:07 in the afternoon.

'There are still a few dumplings left—my mom made them. Want me to cook them for you?' Xu Yan asked.

'Mm.' Shen Zhi followed him into the kitchen.

Xu Nian was very restrained in front of Shen Zhi, silent, head buried in his dumplings. But after a few minutes, he started wondering again why he was being timid—what was there to be timid about?

He puffed out his cheeks, his death-seeking courage rising—he picked up a piece of dumpling skin, held it up high, to draw Xu Yan and Shen Zhi's attention.

'Ge, look—soft or not?' He shook his wrist, making the limp dumpling skin wobble back and forth.

Shen Zhi had no reaction, watching him like one would a three-year-old playing with mud, his face perfectly calm. Xu Yan froze for a second, a flare of irritation rising in his chest. He grabbed the tissue pack beside him and smacked Xu Nian on the head: 'If you're not eating, get lost. Stop being an eyesore here!'

'Then get lost!' Xu Nian yelled, dropped his chopsticks, grabbed his suit jacket from the back of the chair, and left without looking back, slamming the door with a resounding bang.

Five seconds later, he came rustling back in, cursing as he swapped the slippers off his feet, then stormed off again.

'What's wrong with him?' Shen Zhi turned to ask Xu Yan.

Xu Yan: 'He's brain-dead.'

The two took an afternoon nap before driving back to Shen Zhi's place. Coming off the highway into the city, they passed a mall. Xu Yan suddenly said he wanted to buy milk tea and told Shen Zhi to wait in the car.

'Mango pomelo sago!' Xu Yan climbed into the passenger seat, inserted the straw, and took a sip. 'So many people, waited forever.'

'Thirty minutes.' Shen Zhi glanced at his watch, then looked at Xu Yan.

Xu Yan sipped his milk tea and looked at him for a few seconds. After a quiet moment, he asked, 'You got impatient waiting?'

'No.' Shen Zhi paused. 'I just wanted a sip of your milk tea.'

'I asked you earlier if you wanted one. Didn't you say you didn't want it?'

'I want it now.'

'...'

Xu Yan handed the milk tea over. Shen Zhi took a sip. When he looked up, he licked the milk residue from the corner of his lips, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. Xu Yan shifted his gaze back, took that slightly wet straw between his lips again, and sucked. His mouth filled with the cool liquid, mixed with fruit and milk fragrance.

For some reason, Xu Yan found that limp dumpling skin lingering in his mind, impossible to shake.

Ten-odd minutes later, the car pulled into the garage. Shen Zhi turned off the engine but didn't move. Xu Yan didn't move either, still drinking his mango pomelo sago, nearly finished. Sucking the straw made gurgling sounds of air.

The garage's sensor light went off automatically—pitch black. Xu Yan thought of Shen Zhi's fear of the dark, so he freed one hand, reached over, and found the back of Shen Zhi's hand. His hand was cold—because he'd been holding the milk tea, his palm was very wet. He held Shen Zhi's hand, and quickly, the drops of water between their palms grew warm from the friction.

Darkness wasn't entirely a bad thing—it could hide certain things, and it could also magnify them. Xu Yan finished the last sip of milk tea. What had expanded wasn't his stomach, but seemingly his courage—he suddenly asked, 'You, these past few years, that side of things... how did you, how did you take care of it?'

If Shen Zhi really had lost that worldly desire because of antidepressants, Xu Yan would accept it. Treating the depression was the priority; the rest could come later.

Shen Zhi answered frankly: 'Not much need.'

Indeed there wasn't. After falling ill, various desires had plummeted, and with work keeping him busy, he rarely had such thoughts. Lan Qiuchen had also explicitly discussed with him the effects of medication on sexual function, but rarely having thoughts didn't mean never having them—when he did, Shen Zhi was well aware of his own response.

'So there's still some need?' Xu Yan pondered Shen Zhi's wording quite rigorously. Since neither of them could see the other, face didn't matter. He continued, 'When you have the need, what do you do?'

'Want to know?'

Shen Zhi asked seriously. Xu Yan nodded, then realized he couldn't see him nod, so said, 'I do, quite a bit.'

After a moment of silence, Shen Zhi picked up his phone, unlocked it, and tapped the screen a few times. Xu Yan looked over and saw it was the Notes interface, with several audio recordings stored inside.

Shen Zhi turned to glance at him, then casually tapped one recording to play.

A slight, indistinct sound came from the phone. Xu Yan couldn't make out what it was, reached for the volume button, and pressed the up key twice. The human voice that suddenly erupted nearly made him spit out his milk tea.

...

The recording played halfway through before Xu Yan finally snapped out of his stunned state. Frantically, he pressed pause, grabbed the phone, and pressed it face-down onto his lap. He felt his head was about to explode, his whole being violently slammed by an enormous shock, his face flushed red.

'What is this!' he cried out. Though any fool would know the answer, Xu Yan kept repeating, 'What is this, what is this!'

'Can't even recognize your own voice?' Shen Zhi calmly countered.

It was precisely because he'd recognized it that he was falling apart!

Xu Yan had no idea when Shen Zhi had made this recording, nor what even more unspeakable content might be in the other recordings. He didn't mind being recorded—given Shen Zhi's character, there was zero chance of it getting out. What shocked him was—Shen Zhi would actually record this kind of thing?

Long silence. After a while, having calmed down, Xu Yan took a deep breath and asked, 'Do you know why I want to come sleep at your place?'

'My bed is bigger.' Shen Zhi answered after a second's thought.

'No—because my Residential Area's soundproofing isn't as good as your big standalone house.' He'd just finished the milk tea, but for some reason was thirsty again. Xu Yan licked his lips and asked again, 'Do you know why I bought milk tea for thirty minutes?'

'Because there were a lot of people.' Shen Zhi's answer this time was more hesitant—he'd clearly thought of something.

'No.' Xu Yan turned to look at him. They faced each other in the darkness. Xu Yan said, 'Because I also went to the supermarket to buy **.'