Chapter 136: Gu Mian viewpoint

Gu Mian may have been emotionally unavailable since childhood, but he first became aware that he was different when he learned of his mother's death.

He was in school that day when his class teacher called him out and told him, with a grimace, that your mother had died in the hunt and that your father was being resuscitated.

When he was picked up by his father's subordinates and rushed to the hospital, he didn't cry or make a fuss, but sat obediently on the bench outside the emergency room.

Many people came to comfort him, but he didn't cry and was absorbed in his own world, which made them a bit redundant.

When his mother was buried, Gu Mian did not cry, but his father, who was always strong, had red eyes and tried to shed tears several times.

Later, Gu Mian heard some people say behind his back that he was so cold-hearted that he didn't even shed a tear when his own mother died.

In fact, Gu Mian shed tears, not on the day he was told of his death, nor on the day of his burial, but on a very ordinary day when he noticed that the vegetables his mother had put in the microwave were mouldy, emitting a pungent stench that not only stung his nose but also his eyes, and it was only after he had disposed of the dish that he found himself in tears.

He will never eat his mother's hand-made meals again.

It was only at this point that he made the connection between his mother and death.

After his wife left the family, Admiral Gu refused to remarry, using his best militaristic methods to educate Gu Mian, with a minute-by-minute schedule of study, exercise, meals, recreation and more.

A schedule that an adult might not be able to stick to is easily adapted by Gu Mian, who is six or seven years old.

He liked the feeling of having everything planned out, whether it was going to school or going into battle, every step of his life was done step by step, and so was his marriage.

But then again, it wasn't.

Gu Mian did not anticipate the impact of the high pheromone match, and because of the pheromone effect, he was more patient with Li Songyun and was able to listen calmly to all the trivial and useless information she had to say.

When Li Songyun first married into the Gu Family, he was chattering like a little sparrow, carrying boxes of his own clothes to the Gu Family and busily sorting them out while telling Gu Mian, "I haven't worn these clothes more than a few times and, well, you haven't seen me wear them, so they're new to you.

The sun was shining, filling the room brilliantly, and the tiny bits of dust raised by the shaking of her clothes looked like laughing pixies in the glow, and the tiny hairs on Li Songyun's face were clearly visible in the light as she crumbled about, not sure if it was because she was too hot to sort things out, or if she was just a little shy in front of her new husband, but her face was slightly flushed, a little like a furry peach.

At that time, Li Songyun was prone to talking too much and blushing when she was nervous, and this performance was secretly ridiculed by people who said that Li Songyun was wearing cheap and rustic clothes, that Li Songyun was too petty to be on stage, and in general, these were not nice words, which were spread to Gu Mian's ears by people with ulterior motives.

Looking at the omega in front of him, who was subtly mocking his wife, Gu Mian's heart suddenly swelled with displeasure and he said to the omega, "Go away".

The omega ended up running out in tears, not sure if she was scared and crying or what.

Gu Mian digests his anger in silence, like a suppressed fire. After a lifetime of marking, alpha is naturally protective of his partner, and when Li Songyun is vilified, Gu Mian's anger is like having his treasures smashed and damaged.

For years, Gu Mian's emotions have been like a pool of stagnant water, and Li Songyun is the stone that can easily break the surface.

After realising this, Gu Mian began to feel uneasy and disliked the feeling that his emotions were being dictated by pheromones, a feeling of being out of control that disgusted and frightened him.

He chooses to distance himself from Li Songyun, rarely approaching her except for routine contact during the rutting and susceptibility periods, a respectful pattern that allows Gu Mian to immerse himself in his own world without outside interference.

He thought he had the relationship under perfect control, but in fact everything changed from the day Li Songyun divorced him.

On the first day of his divorce from Li Songyun, Gu Mian had a fever.

He hadn't been sick for a long time, let alone a minor illness like a fever.

At first Gu Mian didn't realise he was ill, he went to work as usual, sitting at his desk and sorting out paperwork that had nothing to do with work.

Gu Mian was analysing the reasons for Li Songyun's divorce from him and wanted to know what the problem was.

He writes about how he never asked Li Songyun about his personal life, how he did not comfort Li Songyun when Gu Tunan was in danger, how he asked Li Songyun to overcome the influence of pheromones to leave him plenty of privacy, and a host of other things he can recall.

Gu Mian's memory was so good that the document took fifteen pages to write and was still incomplete.

When Lieutenant General Mo came over to talk to Gu Mian and accidentally saw the document, he was shocked for a whole minute before he finished organising his words and said to Gu Mian: "Old Gu, you are really out of line."

Lt. Gen. Mo scratched his hair, struggling to put into words how he felt at the moment, "You ...... If you really want to reflect on yourself in this form, why don't you categorize all these things, some of which are the husband's failures and some of which are his failures as a father."

"You are also remiss in your role as a father, do you spend time with your children for recreational activities each week? Have you ever driven your children to and from school and tutored them in their homework ......"

Gu Mian was half silent as he listened to Lt Gen Mo and chose to retire early to Gu Peifeng's school.

The divorce agreement between him and Li Songyun was very clear that Gu Peifeng and Li Songyun were together from Monday to Friday and that Gu Peifeng went to the Gu Family on the double day, and that today was not the day he was to pick up Gu Peifeng and he was not supposed to go to Gu Peifeng's school.

It was only when Li Songyun, dressed in red, came into his view that Gu Mian realised that it was pheromones that were driving his decision.

He wants to meet Li Songyun.

Across a sea of people, the red dress awakened memories of his first sniff of Li Songyun's pheromones, elegant as tea flowers.

As a young girl, Li Songyun wore red, like a red camellia in spring.

Perhaps it was because Li Songyun was wearing red when he first smelled her pheromones, and Li Songyun in red could easily burn his emotions like a fire, so he told Li Songyun not to wear red again.

After all these years, when this red stain falls on Li Songyun again, it is more like a glass of mellow red wine, which is already slightly drunk before it enters the mouth.

The evening sun was falling in the sky, reflecting Gu Mian's grey-blue eyes, as if a candle had been tipped over into the night.

As Gu Mian watched Li Songyun move further and further away, he could feel a part of the lifelong mark he had left on Li Songyun being washed away.

This knowledge made him feel as if a piece of his heart had been plucked out of him.

At last it became clear to him that Li Songyun would never return.

Gu Mian suddenly felt very cold. The temperature difference between day and night was so great that Gu Mian only wore a thin shirt, which he thought might be the reason why he felt cold.

Gu Mian gets into the hover car, he leaves work early today, an hour before his normal time to go home, he doesn't want to go home at the moment and doesn't know where he's going, he goes with the flow of the city in the early lights, the neon lights shining through the car window on his reddened face.

When Li Songyun got out of the car in front of him, Gu Mian realised that he had unwittingly followed Li Songyun all the way.

As Li Songyun stepped out of the car, a man in a doll costume suddenly made a series of funny gestures before magically pulling out a handful of flowers made of lollipops and bringing them to Gu Peifeng.

Gu Peifeng said something to Li Songyun with a surprised look on his face, and when Li Songyun nodded, Gu Peifeng hugged the bouquet with excitement.

The man in the piggyback suit removed his heavy hood to reveal a head of sweat-drenched white hair and a stern, handsome face.

That's Jiao Jian.

Gu Mian looks on as Jiao Jian and Li Songyun walk side by side, laughing and joking, while Gu Peifeng walks happily in the middle of the two, holding a gift, making the three of them look more like a harmonious family.

-- "He's my brother."

-- "We've known each other since we were teenagers, and you don't know him because you've never followed my life, learned about my past, reached out to my friends."

On the night he signed the divorce agreement, Gu Mian tried to get to know Li Songyun's friends, he watched the video recording of npc Lu En in the holographic game test and learned about Jiao Jian's life in reality. Just search for the names Jiao Jian and Li Songyun on the Internet and you'll get a series of love interpretations made up by netizens with a brilliant imagination.

"Love is armour", "Love gives Jiao Jian courage and strength", "Fight for love" ......

Gu Mian watched Li Songyun's back disappear completely into the sea of people as he slowly withdrew his gaze.

His eyes were a little open.

Probably because he hadn't closed his eyes for the past two days.

He had spent a long time adjusting to an omega sleeping next to his bed, remembering the way it had carefully told him "I like to sleep on pillows" and the way it had first pressed its legs against his body, leaving a warm, cool temperature on him with its high body heat.

When Li Songyun wrote to him on the front line during his pregnancy, he mentioned a line about how he had bought a cypress-scented pillow, saying that the cypress scent would improve the quality of sleep, adding that it was his cypress-scented pheromones that were the most hypnotic.

It may not be his pheromones that are hypnotic, it's just that Li Songyun is used to the smell.

Not only Li Songyun, but he too, who was used to the faint scent of tea flowers and the warmth of Li Songyun's body heat.

When he had finally become accustomed to Li Songyun's presence, and had arranged Li Songyun into his life, planning every day with her presence, Li Songyun suddenly pulled away.

He left his life's schedule with an abrupt blank space.

Gu Mian tries to understand what it is like to have a dead heart when Lieutenant General Mo says that Li Songyun left him because his heart was dead.

He supposed he still couldn't understand it now.

For when the heart is dead, surely it will no longer perceive pain.

Instead, at the moment, he felt pang after pang, a long and lingering pain.

*

When he returned home, Gu Mian saw a steaming meal on the table and Wang's wife, seeing him arrive, immediately asked, "Would you like something to eat, sir?"

"No." Gu Mian refused.

"You've been drinking nutrient solution for the past few days, and your face looks worse." Sister Wang didn't dare to advise more, "I've made some soup for you, let me know if you want some."

Gu Mian went back to his study to continue his work. He did not drink the nutrient solution, he did not want to eat now and he even had a slight stomach aversion.

Many people know that Gu Mian likes to drink nutrient solutions, but only a few know that Gu Mian's habit of drinking nutrient solutions was acquired when his mother died.

For him, it is not the taste of the food that is important, but more importantly the person he is dining with.

Admiral Gu is rarely home and Gu Mian eats almost every day with his mother, who is not a very good cook and does not cook well.

"How does it taste?", "Eat more", "No picky eating", "What do you want to eat tomorrow?" ......

A small table with two dishes and a soup, and the ramblings of his mother, is Gu Mian's whole idea of a meal.

Since the death of his mother, Gu Mian has become more accustomed to drinking the nutrient solution alone, a habit that was broken when Li Songyun appeared.

He and Li Songyun have started a new family and it is Gu Mian's insistence that the family dine together, which he believes is the only way a home can look like a home.

Li Songyun's cooking was very good and when he sat down with Li Songyun for a meal, Li Songyun would ask him "is it good", "do you want it saltier or lighter", "when are you coming home tomorrow? When are you coming home?" ......

In the old days, when the ventilation system was not so good, the smell of grease and fumes would overflow throughout the house as my mother worked in the kitchen every day.

The kitchen is now so well ventilated that he can only detect a hint of smoke and fire from Li Songyun, who is wearing an apron.

Li Songyun pursed her lips nervously and asked to him, who was still eating, " Gu Mian, are you enjoying my cooking?"

Like it?

It seems that at the very beginning, he could not say whether he liked or disliked Li Songyun's cooking, believing that a husband should eat his wife's cooking and that a wife has the obligation to cook for her husband.

When did this feeling change? Perhaps it was when he came home one time and saw Li Songyun sitting at the dinner table with his children and heard Li Songyun softly say to Gu Hongxuan, "We have to wait for Daddy to come home to eat together."

The food is steaming on the table, Gu Hongxuan turns his head to see him back and exclaims in surprise, while Li Songyun beams at him.

At that moment, he found that his insistence on returning home on time suddenly took on a new meaning.

*

Gu Mian has a fever.

Maybe it's the lack of reassurance from your partner during the susceptible period, maybe it's the over-exhaustion of the period, maybe it's wandering the streets alone late at night after leaving from Li Songyun's new home ......

The first person to notice his abnormality was Wang's wife, who brought soup into Gu Mian's study and saw that his face was unusually red and his temperature was 39 degrees.

Sister Wang said, "Madam left her fever-reducing medicine at home two days ago, and now it is just right for you, sir."

" Li Songyun has a fever?" Gu Mian asked.

Wang's wife hesitated for a moment, but finally couldn't resist saying, "The day Madame proposed to divorce you she had a fever, and for the first time Madame said she wanted to rest for a while and wasn't going to cook."

"Her Ladyship has never said she wanted to rest before when her body was more difficult."

"But the other day Admiral Gu asked Madame to make you dinner before you rested."

After Wang's wife left the room, Gu Mian was left alone with a terrible headache, his body was cold and his stomach felt like it was on fire, giving him a feeling of revulsion.

The fever was unbearable.

Once again, his drowsy brain rang with the words of Wang's wife, "I saw her in the kitchen and she was so upset that her hands were shaking when she cut the vegetables.

After a long time, Gu Mian opened the document and added a new line to the fifteen-page document: "Ask Li Songyun to complete her chores while she is ill."

After drinking the medicine, Gu Mian lies alone in his empty bed, his body is exhausted, but he cannot sleep.

Once when he was recovering from an injury, Li Songyun would sit at his bedside, gently massaging his temples and humming a tune for children.

Li Songyun had just given birth to her first child, Gu Hongxuan, who was lying in a cradle on a hospital bed.

The warm yellow light shone on the omega in his robe, gilding his skin with a flawless light, a scene as beautiful as a painting.

-- "You can also list what you didn't do, like did you praise your wife often, show your love for your wife, give her gifts that you handpicked ...... Not gifts of money, gifts in kind."

-- "No? Hasn't Li Songyun ever once touched your heart after all these years together?!"

What does it mean to have a heartbeat.

-- "I can't explain this kind of stuff to you either, what's going on, I've become a big brother in your case ...... It's that, you suddenly want to kiss him and hug him ......"

-- "Forget it, according to your kind of character, how could you possibly have a heartbeat."

Gu Mian closes his eyes.

From the moment he first met Li Songyun to the moment he left without a second thought, there were many moments when he wanted to be close to Li Songyun during the 26 long years of time.

But he has never been faithful to his desires.

Time and again he simply restrained his emotions and drew a clear line between himself and Li Songyun.

He did not want to let anyone's departure affect his emotions any more; he did not want to suffer the pain of loss and bitter loneliness.

His father only told him that soldiers need to be sensible and calm, and that revealing a preference is the same as revealing a weakness.

But it was never said to him that love is more than a weakness, it can be armour.

*

Gu Mian opens a dialog with Li Songyun, who has removed him from her blacklist since he agreed to divorce her, and their chat page is now empty.

He had a lot to say to Li Songyun, but he didn't know how to start. After a long deliberation, he said that he had left your fever medicine at home and asked if Li Songyun's fever had gone down.

After a while, Li Songyun replied, "Thank you for your concern, I am fine now, may I ask what is the matter with you?"

At the same time, an alert popped up with the latest news about Li Songyun.

Gu Mian saw the dynamic photo of Li Songyun and Gu Peifeng playing in an amusement park.

Li Songyun: [May we all go on to our love, dreams and tomorrow].

The last photo shows Li Songyun smiling happily as he heads for a promising future.

And Li Songyun's yearning for tomorrow does not include him.

Gu Mian suddenly realised that, just as food can spoil, so too can feelings stored in the room of one's heart irreversibly rot and stink.

Just as he could not have eaten the mouldy plate of rice forgotten in the microwave, Li Songyun could not have come back to him.

In those twenty-six long years, he had countless opportunities to get Li Songyun back, but he missed them all.

The line he had drawn between himself and Li Songyun had now become an unbridgeable gap.

He couldn't cross that gap, so he could only watch Li Songyun walk further and further away, saying at most, "I'm sorry, and I wish you happiness for the rest of your life."