Chapter 85

Strange — after calling out 'Colonel,' Xu Ze was completely certain it was Lu Heyang standing there, even though the other hadn't responded.

Another few seconds passed, still no answer. Xu Ze put his glasses back on, a little worried, stepped forward two paces — and saw more clearly. Lu Heyang had his left shoulder against the wall, head tilted slightly, looking straight at him.

A faint smell of alcohol, woven into Lu Heyang's pheromone. Xu Ze's hand reached halfway out, then drew back — he didn't know whether Lu Heyang was drunk, or how drunk, and didn't dare touch him carelessly.

'Colonel.' Xu Ze called out again, and asked, 'Was it drinking—'

Lu Heyang suddenly raised a hand; his fingertips grazed Xu Ze's face, traveling all the way to behind his ear. His hand was large, the palm a little warm, completely cupping that half of Xu Ze's cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing beneath Xu Ze's eye.

The unfinished question was cut short. Xu Ze couldn't make a sound, had to exert extreme control to keep from gasping in. In that instant a wildly absurd thought struck him — was Lu Heyang remembering?

If he wasn't remembering, then Xu Ze wished that for this one second they were back in the unlit stairwell of that old residential block from seven years ago.

Xu Ze had never been one to indulge in fantasies of returning to the past. Now was the best of times — poverty, constraint, threat, all gone. It had taken such exhausting effort to get to today; he shouldn't keep looking back.

But why this thought now — probably because when Lu Heyang touched him like this, Xu Ze finally realized how much he wanted to be remembered.

Ten seconds, perhaps fifteen. Lu Heyang lowered his hand.

'Doctor Xu.' That was how he addressed him, and then nothing more.

His glasses were already on, but Xu Ze felt as though he'd returned to a state of not being able to see. He moved his stiffened knuckles, even forgot to answer, and instead picked up the unfinished question: 'Did you drink?'

'There were many elders from the Military District at the dinner,' Lu Heyang said. 'So I drank.'

So the earlier gesture became understandable. Xu Ze nodded very slowly and asked, 'Why are you standing here?'

'Waiting for you.'

'Was it a long wait?' Xu Ze would always care about that.

'A long time.' Lu Heyang had no intention of being polite about it. 'Didn't expect you'd come back so late.'

'After dinner I sent a friend home, then went to another friend's place to return a car, so it ran a bit late.' Xu Ze finished explaining, then asked, 'Is there something you needed, Colonel?'

Perhaps because he knew Lu Heyang had been drinking, perhaps because the light was dim — in any case, this was Xu Ze's comfort zone, and he looked at Lu Heyang's face with rare, unvarnished directness.

Lu Heyang looked back at him the same way, and after a moment answered, 'To pick up the badge.'

Somewhat unexpected, but Xu Ze didn't ask whether the badge was being reclaimed for good or just borrowed for the time being — it had always been Lu Heyang's.

'Alright.' To spare Lu Heyang the extra steps, Xu Ze suggested, 'I'll go upstairs and bring it down to you.'

'I'm thirsty,' Lu Heyang said.

Xu Ze hesitated a moment, then asked uncertainly, 'Would you like to come up to my room for a glass of water?'

'Mm.' Lu Heyang, still without any politeness about it, straightened up.

Xu Ze first stepped back, confirmed Lu Heyang could stand on his own, and only then walked into the lobby with him.

Perhaps an illusion, but Xu Ze felt the physical distance between himself and Lu Heyang was smaller than usual; walking shoulder to shoulder, the backs of their hands kept brushing. To keep Lu Heyang from feeling uncomfortable, Xu Ze deliberately widened the gap by half a step.

In the elevator, Xu Ze deliberated, then said, 'You could have called me ahead of time. I'd have come back earlier, and you wouldn't have had to wait so long.'

Lu Heyang answered, 'Didn't want to disturb your date.'

'It wasn't a date.' The not-very-familiar look between himself and Ruan Miao was either that of a new couple or a matchmaking meeting — Lu Heyang might have seen it too. So Xu Ze said honestly, 'It was… a matchmaking meeting, sort of.'

He really couldn't find a better word; in essence it had indeed been a fruitless matchmaking meeting. Considering Lu Heyang probably had no interest in such trifles, Xu Ze didn't elaborate, summarizing it with the two words 'matchmaking meeting.'

In the blurred mirror of the elevator door, Xu Ze saw Lu Heyang only smile faintly, offering no comment. A strange unease Xu Ze couldn't quite name stirred in him. Lu Heyang was calm as usual, but something seemed different — he couldn't pin it down. Xu Ze attributed it once more to his own imagination.

The door lock had long been fixed. Xu Ze unlocked it with his fingerprint, stepped into the room first, turned on the light, then turned back and pulled the door open, inviting Lu Heyang in.

The whole process hadn't yet finished when the lamp, lit only moments ago, suddenly went out as if the power had been cut, leaving only the corridor light filtering in — which quickly disappeared too. Lu Heyang pulled Xu Ze's hand down from the doorframe and shut the door, cutting off all light.

It wasn't a power outage — Xu Ze heard the click of a switch being pressed. Lu Heyang had turned off the light.

Why turn off the light — Xu Ze had no time to ask. Lu Heyang gripped Xu Ze's wrist and pressed him close; with the other hand he removed Xu Ze's glasses, holding the temple pieces between his fingers, then that hand moved to Xu Ze's waist, pushing him back against the door.

Giving Xu Ze no time to react, Lu Heyang lowered his head and kissed him, lips against Xu Ze's, the tip of his tongue prying open his teeth.

His body felt emptied in an instant, only a heart pounding violently. The overwhelming sense of being led and held down, of suffocation, forced Xu Ze to instinctively open his mouth, receiving completely passively. In the buzzing tinnitus he heard his own ragged breathing when, after too long without oxygen, he finally remembered he could breathe through his nose. He had kissed Lu Heyang many times before — mostly gentle, not intense — or perhaps it had simply been too long, making this moment still utterly unfamiliar.

Xu Ze stared blankly into the darkness. He wondered if it was raining outside — how else to hear rain? Like years ago, in a downpour, delivering a birthday present, being pulled back as he tried to leave, his back against a rain-soaked tree trunk, a single umbrella sheltering two people, his first kiss with Lu Heyang.

Maybe he was dreaming, or maybe he was the one who'd been drinking. Xu Ze let go like that, letting the slipping consciousness vanish entirely, closed his eyes, tilted his head back a little, and tried to respond.

When Xu Ze clumsily responded, Lu Heyang's hand tightened, his tongue tangling with Xu Ze's, kissing deeper. Xu Ze gradually felt pain, let out a muffled sound. He didn't know if it was his lip or his tongue that had been bitten — a faint taste of blood spread through his mouth. He wanted to hold Lu Heyang, at the waist or the neck, but one hand was restrained, the other pressed hard against the door. Xu Ze worried that if he let go, his whole body would slide down.

A long time later, Lu Heyang lifted his head slightly. Their lips parted, breathing face to face, their pheromones breaking free of the Wristband's restraint, clashing and conflicting yet entwined. After only a brief pause, Lu Heyang kissed him again, the motion gentler, sucking at the wound at the corner of Xu Ze's mouth, touching his tongue.

Even after the kiss had completely ended, Xu Ze's breathing still trembled. He tried to make out Lu Heyang's expression, his eyes, but it was too dark to tell.

'Are you drunk.' Xu Ze's voice was a little hoarse — like a question, more like a statement: you're drunk, aren't you. This was the only reason he could think of; there was no other.

'After returning to Capital City, I've seen many people from before,' Lu Heyang answered a different question, his voice still calm. 'Without exception, everyone asks me whether I don't remember them.'

'Only you didn't ask.' Lu Heyang's hand moved slowly upward, sliding from Xu Ze's wrist into the sleeve of his shirt, which had been rolled up twice, all the way to his elbow. He asked Xu Ze, 'Why.'

'In our final year of high school… the last time I saw you at the hospital entrance, I already knew you didn't remember.' Just from having his arm touched, Xu Ze's back shivered, his voice trembling slightly as he spoke. 'Asking again wouldn't change anything.'

'So you said we were ordinary friends, an unimportant relationship.'

Ordinary friends wouldn't fail to resist a sudden kiss. Xu Ze knew Lu Heyang had already confirmed this — just moments ago. All he could do was pray Lu Heyang would forget everything once he sobered up.

'You're drunk,' Xu Ze said. This time it was a request for confirmation.

'Yes,' Lu Heyang admitted, frank and direct.

After admitting it, like a proper drunk, he kissed the corner of Xu Ze's mouth again. Xu Ze turned his head a small amount, pressing his lips briefly against Lu Heyang's — he trusted that Lu Heyang was drunk and wouldn't notice such a small gesture.

'It's okay,' Xu Ze said suddenly.

At a distance where their nose tips nearly touched, Lu Heyang asked him, 'What do you mean.'

He really couldn't see anything, but Xu Ze still avoided his gaze and answered, 'It's okay even if you don't remember.'

Over seven years Xu Ze had occasionally had related dreams — in them, Lu Heyang was always wearing a school uniform, smiling at him. Even though in the end he'd lost him, that dim, lightless stretch of life had been briefly illuminated, and that in itself was a kind of luck. Sometimes right and wrong are hard to separate; perhaps there was no right or wrong at all — just fate delighting in torment.

So being forgotten was okay too. He had already met the best person.

'Indeed, it's okay.' After a few seconds of silence, Lu Heyang released Xu Ze's hand and waist, placed the glasses back in his hand. 'Not wanting to say, or not being able to say it out loud — either is fine. I won't force you to tell me.'

'Doctor Xu seems to have no demands of me, so the same goes for me toward you.'

Before Xu Ze could finish parsing those sentences, Lu Heyang continued, 'I have a mission tomorrow morning. I won't be back for a while.'

His fast-beating heart began to lift with dread; Xu Ze felt uneasy. This unease had existed a long time — ever since Lu Heyang's cohort of Air Force pilots started going on missions, Xu Ze had feared watching the news, afraid of seeing bad news.

'Stay safe.' Words too full of concern weren't appropriate, and he couldn't say them anyway — Xu Ze could only manage these four characters.

The mood didn't grow heavy from this, because Lu Heyang asked Xu Ze, 'When I come back, will you already have your marriage certificate?'

Xu Ze was bewildered, certain Lu Heyang was truly drunk — otherwise he wouldn't ask such a question. He shook his head: 'No.'

'But you'll keep going on matchmaking meetings, right.'

Ruan Miao had already made her position clear, and Huang Liling probably wouldn't push the matter further. Xu Ze said, 'I won't go.'

'Alright, I'll leave first.' Lu Heyang took Xu Ze's arm and pulled him forward a step, then went to open the door. At the doorway he turned his head, half his face lit by the corridor light. He said to Xu Ze standing behind the door, 'Good night, Doctor Xu.'

Tonight there was absolutely no way to rest easy. Xu Ze stood rooted there, his feelings a tangled mess, and said, 'Good night.'

The door closed; the room sank back into darkness.

Several minutes passed; Xu Ze still stood motionless. He remembered Lu Heyang had said he came to get the badge, but had left empty-handed.

He also remembered Lu Heyang had said he was thirsty, but hadn't even had a glass of water before leaving.

And then he thought — since Lu Heyang had a mission tomorrow morning, given his character, would he really drink to the point of being drunk the night before?

'I'm dying of anxiety, I'm dying of anxiety.' Once Lu Heyang walked out of the apartment building and got in the car, Song Yuke immediately started the engine. 'Once we're back, Colonel, please get some rest right away. I just got word from Northern Theater — the departure time has been moved up. We leave at three in the morning.'

Lu Heyang opened his communicator and said, 'Understood.'

'The old commanders at dinner today must have known you had a mission tomorrow, otherwise they wouldn't have let you leave so early.' Song Yuke suddenly stretched his neck and sniffed. 'Why do you still smell like alcohol? Didn't you only have one cup?'

'Accidentally spilled some on my clothes.' Lu Heyang rubbed with the back of his hand the small damp spot on his chest.

The Northern Theater campaign had entered its most critical phase, and General Headquarters had dispatched several elite units from other theaters for reinforcement. Unless something unexpected happened, Gu Yunchi would be seen at the Northern Military District Command tomorrow.

'I was actually thinking that if you left the dinner earlier, you could go back and rest a bit more — but then you said you wanted to come here.' Song Yuke was puzzled by Colonel Lu's late-night visit to Doctor Xu. Surely it wasn't to see a doctor.

'Something to take care of.' Lu Heyang summarized briefly, then said, 'I won't rest tonight. Once back at the Base, I still have a video conference.'

As if he were the one going without sleep, Song Yuke said with heartfelt distress, 'You've already pulled several all-nighters this month… sigh. If there's anything that needs doing, you could have sent me to handle it.'

Lu Heyang finally moved his gaze from the communicator, glanced at Song Yuke, and said, 'Thank you, but no.'