Chapter 92: He is the returning light

Since then, Qingcheng Xie has been working on these experiments ...... as if this is the only way to keep his mind at peace.

He can feel that his life is not completely destroyed and still has value.

But the problem is, constantly experimenting with their own bodies, even rn-13 perfect transformation of people, sometimes can not withstand the physical / physical pain.

Although the mental Bola Ai senses are more numb than normal people, the pain reaches the marrow of the bones and can still be unbearable.

Qingcheng Xie has been conducting these experiments behind Ciyan Qin's back.

It wasn't until one day, while doing a burn drug test on his arm, that he was caught by Ciyan Qin, who had inadvertently come in to get something, that this self-destructive scientific behavior was discovered.

Ciyan Qin was furious and immediately stopped his studies at the institute.

He asked Qingcheng Xie: "Is your life not a life? Who are you torturing by behaving like this?"

"I don't feel any pain."

"The people who obtained these experimental results will feel pain!"

Ciyan Qin said angrily.

"Do you know why I turned down my friends from the United States? Do you know why I didn't get involved in the development of RN13? This drug can save lives, it has saved some subjects, but I don't think that's a good thing, and you know why?

"Because there is no medical experiment that will be more important than human life. Saving lives is part of the meaning of scientific research, but that is not based on the blood of living people!"

Qingcheng Xie wrapped the gauze around himself and slowly lowered the snow-white sleeve, then he got up and looked into Ciyan Qin's eyes: "But teacher. This is the only thing I can do now."

"Ever since I got sick, it's like I've become a loser. Things I used to be able to do easily, I can't do anymore."

"Can you understand the feeling of powerlessness that comes with the passage of power and cannot be grasped? Like facing time, facing gravity, facing all the things that cannot be resisted."

"I tried to get used to it, but I couldn't. ...... My body healed, but my heart seemed to have rotted away in the accident that should have killed me. I often wake up dreaming that my chest is empty ...... I'd love to take a knife and cut my chest open to see what's left inside."

"I feel like I'm just a body on loan. Living in this world, I no longer have any role to play except to take care of my family ......"

Qingcheng Xie closed his eyes when he said this.

"I can't even take care of my family. My sister, who is a child, has told me more than once that she thinks I've changed."

"She thinks I ......" Qingcheng Xie's voice was gruff and stiff for a while before she said it with difficulty, "She thinks I ...... not her big brother."

He said this, despite the hidden, his eyes were still red.

What kept him alive initially was that young little sister.

But even his sister says this about him - and the girl is only five years old and has no twisted mind, she will say whatever she feels.

This accusation is not intentional, but a young child's heartfelt difficulty and discomfort.

Qingcheng Xie often felt that he was covered in blood, his body was covered with invisible viruses, he gradually did not even dare to hug her.

He sat withered in bed at night, looking at that little life in the misty moonlight.

She loves him.

So her words can hurt him the most.

He felt that his body has been in the car accident in a hundred holes, it was difficult to pick up a heart from the blood, he held the heart, the broken body will be sewn together sticky, like sewing a broken Muppet bear, even if in pieces, but also want to return to the girl's side.

Clumsily, filthy, covered with wreckage, with thread marks, Muppet Bear returned home from the garbage can, with his big hands open, and waved slowly to the little girl he cherished most.

No one knows how much it cost him to get this one clumsy beckoning to her.

But she said, you are not him.

She looked at her worn-out rag doll and said, "You're not a brother.

You see, you have threads, you are broken.

I want my brother ......

Brother is intact, brother will not have such hideous and terrible wounds.

My brother does not scare me.

"I feel like I'm back, from the netherworld. But then I seem to have lost myself."

Qingcheng Xie said softly.

"I wasn't like this before."

"I never used to lose my temper at her. I wouldn't have not had the strength to carry her all the way home before. I used to ......"

Qingcheng Xie said these words without much expression.

It would seem to make him seem heartless. He has no emotions.

But when he got to this point, he couldn't go on.

The mouth of my throat was so astringent.

Ciyan Qin knew that he was not without sorrow, but he was deprived of even the joy and sorrow of being born in order to come back from the ghost gate.

He had to keep his cool all the time in order to survive.

Because each dramatic emotional ups and downs can induce psychosis, and each episode of this psychosis will be more severe than the last.

Qingcheng Xie paused for a long time before saying numbly, "I don't think I have any meaning to live."

"I could neither make her feel happy nor bring any value to others. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and I don't want to come to this world for a trip to stay anything meaningful."

"I was really desperate for a while there. Until you brought me to the laboratory. Until I discovered ...... my mind, my body ...... can withstand abnormal stress, and in some areas of disease research, I can go farther than others with this numb body."

"I'm really not in pain, teacher. Blood and sickness are nothing, the worst thing is that the heart is dead, the worst thing is that I can't do anything, I live but become a complete waste, and I don't want that."

He lifted his eyes and looked at Ciyan Qin, the peach blossom eyes like a large piece of wither falling.

"Teacher, I feel so painful. I don't want others to feel the same pain as I. I met a child with brain cancer at the entrance of the institute over the weekend, very young, looking only seven or eight years old, and his parents were so sad, yet they didn't give up hope ...... people can't beat the disease, but not beating it doesn't mean going down without a fight."

"I don't want to give in to suffering either, maybe my life is kind of over, but I can at least do what normal people can't do in those unseen, battles with disease."

"I think this may be what I live for...the next twenty years or so of my life."

"I'm going to die standing up. I'm going to die doing something I should have done."

"Teacher. This is what I live for."

His blood seeped out from under the gauze.

"I'm sorry I've been hiding it from you."

Ciyan Qin cannot tell you how she felt at that time.

Anger? Heartbroken?

It seems that none of them can fully summarize his heart.

He wondered what life really was.

What is the core that supports each person to live.

It's presence, it's value.

It's what you've done and how much blood you've put into it.

Life is never about getting. Getting is just a kind of sustenance to make one live better. But no matter how many things you have got, when death comes singing, death will take away everything you have along with your broken and decaying corpse.

And what can stay in this world, what can help you overcome death, will always be those things that you give.

They are separated from you in life and death, and because you have selflessly given them to the world, they were born to you and no longer belong to you. Not even death can take them away.

That's the most powerful thing a tiny human being can do.

Qingcheng Xie has always seen this very clearly, so people like him, when he finds himself a worthless waste, can not do anything, can not bear anything, he will be unusually painful. That pain is far better than cutting him a thousand times. Execute the heart and life.

That's why he found his only value after such a long sleep in the Institute, using his body to light a light in the dark.

He's the one who would take himself to those experiments.

Ciyan Qin let out a long sigh, and through the heavy lenses, Qingcheng Xie saw that the doctor's eyes were filled with moist tears.

"...... What about your parents?"

Ciyan Qin looked at him tenderly and sadly.

"You said you didn't want to see the parents of that child with brain cancer suffer, and you didn't want to see others suffer as hard as you did."

"So, Qingcheng Xie."

"Those two pairs of eyes in the sky, can't you see them?"

"......"

"You are not an orphan, your parents left, but they used to love you that way."

"I'm not going to talk about me when you treat yourself like that. And how sad do you think they will be?"

The doctor walks up to his student, this relationship that no one knows about, this conversation that no one hears.

In the cold laboratory, the warmth and sinking mercy melted away.

Ciyan Qin lifted his hand and touched the hair of teenager Qingcheng Xie.

"Do you know why I did what I did, defying the rules, defying the danger, defying everything to save you?"

"........."

"I never told you that, did I?"

"I had a son once in addition to a daughter."

"Died in a car accident."

"The last thing he said to me before he left was, Dad, I don't want to die."

"......"

Ciyan Qin closed his eyes: "I can never forget those words and those eyes."

"If I could, even if it was a vegetable, even if he had a drastic change in temperament, I would do anything to have him back. There is nothing more painful than watching your loved ones pass away. ...... Xiao Xie, your parents had no choice and left the world, but you have a choice, you should not be so cheap to yourself, you live well, feel the world's spring and autumn, everything withers and grows, is also a meaning of life."

"Xue Xie is still young, she doesn't understand anything, that's why she said what she said. A child's words are unpolished and pure, but they may not be able to express themselves perfectly."

"You will always be the most important in her heart. She will only be truly distressed and bewildered if you can no longer return to her one day."

When he saw Qingcheng Xie trying to say something, he shook his head, as if he already understood what Qingcheng Xie was going to say.

Ciyan Qin said gently, sadly, but irrefutably: "I feel I am entitled to talk to you like this. I can understand how you feel, in the life we have lived - you have lost your parents and I have lost my child."

Qingcheng Xie stood rigidly, and he saw Ciyan Qin's wrinkled eyes glistening with tears.

After a while, that doctor has been holding back tears, finally down the no longer young face weeping down.

"If your parents were alive, they wouldn't want to see you do this."

"Xiao Xie. The meaning of life is, first of all, that you should live well."

Ciyan Qin did not allow Qingcheng Xie to study at Jiwei He's biochemical and pharmaceutical institute anymore.

Jiwei He was very puzzled by this, he felt that Qingcheng Xie was a very rare genius and it would be a waste not to cultivate it properly.

But Qingcheng Xie followed Ciyan Qin's advice and finally thanked Jiwei He for taking care of him and left the lab.

Ciyan Qin covered up Qingcheng Xie's experiments with the story of "virtual human", misleading people into thinking that the "First Emperor" was just a computer simulation and that the data of the First Emperor were all calculated data. After that, Ciyan Qin paid more attention to him, almost as if he was watching over Qingcheng Xie as the son who would never come back.

Qingcheng Xie's confusion was in his eyes, and once again he seemed very lonely and emotionally unstable as he lost his way.

Ciyan Qin is going back to Yanzhou soon due to another work schedule.

Before leaving, he took Qingcheng Xie on a trip to the Oceanarium.

That was Ciyan Qin's decision after thinking about the choice for a long time.

Marine life is often the most healing of all.

"This is the nurse shark, the one ...... right, the one that's been swimming in the far corner, that one is the lemon shark."

Ciyan Qin, like a loving father with his son, and Qingcheng Xie, each holding a cone of ice cream, walked in the dark blue oceanarium.

Perhaps he is a loving father.

When the sea changes and the light is hazy and stretching, standing next to him is the child that he will never see as an adult again.

They both eventually arrived at the Jellyfish Palace.

That is an area of the Oceanarium, all crystal clear glass walls on all sides, the middle of the hall also stands a lot of glazed pillars.

And floating and sinking behind all that glass are thousands of water sprites.

Qingcheng Xie walked in and opened his eyes slightly.

He seemed to have entered an ancient world, where the creatures of 650 million years ago swam soothingly around him, relaxing their crystalline bodies, they were like flying flakes, like falling snow, like the first rays of morning sun in early summer, like the last pool of flowers in late spring.

The blooming scenery of spring, summer, autumn and winter are brewed in that life made of water. With the ethereal tinkling of the octave box of the Jellyfish Palace, it sinks one's heart into the deep, into the distant ice age, and into the bottom of the sea for 20,000 miles.

Qingcheng Xie walked in the long glass tunnel with sparkling water, and felt a peace inside for the first time after her illness.

It wasn't the calm he usually forced himself to have.

Rather, it is true, soothing, relieving, and calm.

"It's nice to look at." He watched a giant jellyfish float past his eyes like green smoke and whispered.

Ciyan Qin looked at him with a smile, "Jellyfish are creatures that have no mind, heart, spine, eyes ...... Ninety-five percent of their body is water. The life span is not long, only a few months, and the longest deep-sea jellyfish can only live a few years."

"......"

"But you see, they live so freely floating, which is a very beautiful landscape in itself. Many people can feel a peace like never before just by looking at them."

"You too?"

"When I was a young student at the United States, I used to run to the oceanarium there every month for no other reason than to find some peace in my restlessness. When I went there, I would sit in the jellyfish area for an afternoon." Ciyan Qin smiled nostalgically, "It's been so many years ...... that the Oceanarium conductor even said that if I couldn't find a wife in the future, I could come to their pavilion to get a jellyfish home for free to get married, and the Oceanarium could hold a wedding for me, hahahahaha. "

Qingcheng Xie turned his head to look at him.

In the gentleness of the sea and moon jellyfish like the white moon sinking into the ocean, he looked at Ciyan Qin and finally smiled too.

That was also the first time he smiled like that after his illness.

"Thank you, Old Qin."

"It's okay, kid."

Ciyan Qin left and went back to Yanzhou.

But Qingcheng Xie slowly found a way to control his emotions very well. It was taught to him by his half-father and passed on to his precious gift.

So he, like Ciyan Qin more than 20 years ago, often came to the Jellyfish Palace to watch these 650 million year old beings.

Teenager Ciyan Qin becomes teenager Qingcheng Xie, and the figures of the two healers overlap in the myriad of ethereal jellyfish worlds.

Whenever Qingcheng Xie felt sicker, his senses numbed and unusually suffocated, he would gaze at the videos of jellyfish -

There are no eyes.

Can't see the light.

There is no heart.

Feel no heartache.

No brain.

Or the absence of joy and sorrow, a life much more numb than he.

But they remain comfortable, using ninety-five percent water, splashing one healing painting after another.

Ciyan Qin says that living well is the meaning of life.

And these jellyfish, is the best interpretation of living well, right.

Day after day, time after time, Qingcheng Xie eventually became extremely calm, composed and peaceful on her own.

He became an almost unknown psychiatric Bola Ai patient in the first place.

"In a way, you have beaten this disease. As long as it keeps going like this and doesn't come back, you can live peacefully until you're forty."

Ciyan Qin said.

"Even longer."

He said the reason it took longer was because the Life Lab over in the United States had developed a potent drug.

Their rn-13 research was later called off by continental legislation, and the public marched to protest this inhumane use of homeless people as human subjects. Under pressure, the Institute destroyed all their rn-13 drugs and put them into follow-up treatment for those patients who had already been tested.

And how to extend the life span of rn-13 subjects became their main topic.

Essentially, rn-13 overdraws the body's metabolism, allowing patients to heal themselves while shortening their life span.

So over the years, they eventually developed a slow-release drug, that is a drug that can significantly reduce the metabolic cycle.

This drug kills normal people who take too much of it, but rn-13 subjects can tolerate it and are able to extend their lives because the agent greatly slows down the rate of cell division that follows.

And this time the drug is formally verified through repeated testing.

Ciyan Qin told Qingcheng Xie: "As long as you keep taking it, and with your self-control, you will be no different from a normal person, and you may live to be seventy or eighty years old. Maybe even longer than me."

The three words "normal people" touched Qingcheng Xie's heart.

It had been a long time since he had felt those three words were so close to him.

You know that year he took rn-13, he thought he would never have a normal, full life again.

"What about the side effects?" He suppressed the soft tremble in his voice.

"You're not stupid." Ciyan Qin sighed, "But the side effects aren't unacceptable ...... your reflexes, mental clarity, and all of that, which rely heavily on cellular activation, will be reduced."

"But you are very smart yourself. If you don't take this medicine, you will have a very remarkable build up, after taking it ...... that is, the ability is less and less outstanding ...... " Ciyan Qin said, "But Xiao Xie. Even if this treatment weakens your mind, you can still be a very remarkable psychiatrist. It's just that you can only be a doctor, and it's no longer possible to be able to spread your mind to other areas and be a leader in multiple areas at the same time, like before."

"Think about it."

At that time, Qingcheng Xie had already entered the medical university to study psychology for eight years in a row.

He had planned to do more than just complete his studies while at university; he had also gotten Ciyan Qin's permission to resume his former biochemical and pharmaceutical research.

He is now so stable that even if there are occasional times when he can't control it, he can rely on the jellyfish videos to suppress his condition.

As soon as he saw those floating ancient beings, he was able to quickly calm down no longer have strong emotions, this has been his own trained reflexes.

And he would never again commit an act of self-harm to advance the experimental process.

Ciyan Qin therefore agreed to his request.

But the advent of the cure has once again thrown Qingcheng Xie onto a scale of choice -

It is to return to the ranks of normal people, give up research and settle for being a doctor from now on.

Or is it a treacherous path downward, completing tasks beyond the reach of ordinary people and then leaving the world at the age of forty?

He had to make a choice.

And just at this time -

Something happened that had a big impact on Qingcheng Xie.